Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy New Year!

As we head into the second decade of the new Millennium, I want to extend my best kitty wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous new year. I know 2010 was pretty difficult for many humans (and their cats), so hopefully, 2011 will be a lot better. I also want to thank everyone who bought and read my two books, and I especially want to thank those of you who let us know how much they’ve enjoyed them. We really appreciate it!

And now, to start 2011 off with a few yuks, here’s the “New Years Eve” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box

New Years Eve: For some reason, many humans like to begin the new year by celebrating wildly, drinking to excess, and throwing up (and they call us animals!). At midnight, these well-oiled pagans yell “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” hug and kiss other humans they normally hate, then sing “Old Lang Syne” and get all blubbery. This is a holiday that does not hold a lot of promise for cats. Most likely your house will be filled with loud, obnoxious strangers and you will have to seek refuge in one of your favorite hiding places. However, there are a couple benefits. First of all, when humans have parties, their guests often leave their coats on the bed in a darkened bedroom. This provides you with an excellent opportunity to sleep on different clothing (and to leave cat hair all over it and teach the intruders a lesson for disturbing YOUR peace and quiet).

The best part of New Years Eve, however, is when all the revelers finally go home. In most cases, your human will be too tired (or too wasted) to clean up the mess. When they finally noodle out, the remaining food and debris is YOURS FOR THE TAKING. Because your human will probably sleep soundly for hours, you can eat as much as you want and play among the ruins to your heart’s content. Sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll!

NOTE #1: If you come across a bottle with a small amount of liquid still inside... go ahead and taste it, but DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. One New Years Eve, I knocked over and drank about a third of a bottle of beer and, oooooh wheeee, it really twisted my head around. I must admit, fellow celebrant, that I got a little goofy my own self. Ultimately, I ended up falling asleep and missing most of the fun. So be careful what you drink. And before you “party hearty, appoint a designated kitty.

NOTE #2: Because humans tend to become a little wobbly when they drink, be sure to stay out of their way to avoid being stepped on, or crushed if they pass out and tip over. Also, for you
outdoor cats, stay away from the street where reckless and sometimes drunk drivers abound.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL from Steve and his female (my humans), Piglet & Bo Diddley (my housemates), and most of all, from yours truly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holiday Greetings!!!

As the yuletide season reaches its crescendo and 2010 draws to a close, I would like to extend best my wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas holiday, and for a healthy and happy new year. It’s been a wild and wacky year, but aren’t they all?

And, for your holiday reading pleasure – and some good laughs – here’s the “Christmas” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.
And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Snowy Weather... What's It Like?

As we approach the Christmas holiday, many areas of the United States, especially the midwest and parts of the east coast, are buried under snow and experiencing extremely cold weather. Since I live in Southern California, where it never gets really cold - although we do have scary earthquakes from time to time - I can't even imagine what it must be like to deal with frigid temperatures. About the closest I've ever come is one time when I was high on catnip, I accidentally stepped in my water bowl, which had just been filled with water from the refrigerator... THAT was pretty cold. (Right about here, you kitties in cold climates are probably thinking "Pshaw, you wuss...that's nothing!).

Anyway, as a cat who has never even SEEN snow or ice (well, I have seen ice cubes), I'm very curious about what living in a winter wonderland is really like for us kitties. I'm hoping some of my feline friends who live in snowy areas can answer some of the following questions for me...

  • Does snow tickle when it falls on your nose?
  • How does snow feel when you step in it?
  • Can you see your breath when you hiss at an enemy kitty?
  • How do you get traction on an icy surface if you have to run away from a dog?
  • Can you still climb trees when they have snow on them?
  • Does your fur keep you warm enough when you go outside?
  • Can your human still get to the store to buy your food?
  • Does your tongue stick to your fur when you lick yourself?
  • How do you form snowballs with no opposable thumbs?
  • Where is all this snow going to go when it finally melts?
Here’s hoping that all cats in cold climates have a nice fireplace to sleep in front of during the day and warm humans to cuddle up with at night.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

10 Good Reasons to Buy My Books on Line and Avoid the Mall (For Men Only)

Hey human males, if you’re like Steve (my human), I’m guessing that you would rather have hydrofluoric acid splashed in your face than to have to go to a shopping mall even under the best of circumstances. And with Christmas Day fast approaching, well, let’s just say it’s not going to be pretty. From here on out guys, a trip to the mall is almost guaranteed to darken your holiday mood and make you think evil thoughts about your fellow humans.

But wait! There’s a way to avoid all this angst-fueled mayhem and ‘ole Quaz is going to tell you how. If you have a cat lover on your holiday gift list (and who doesn’t?), I’m quite certain that they would rather have copies of my books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box) than just about anything else on earth. And because the books are readily available on Amazon.com, you can avoid the mall altogether! Think of it! In fact, here are ten good reasons why you should order my books on-line rather than go to the mall looking for other presents for cat lovers (that won’t be nearly as cool anyway)…

  1. You can order my books from the comfort of your own home.
  2. You won’t get into a fistfight with another driver for the one remaining space in the mall parking structure.
  3. You won’t have to hear stupor-inducing Christmas music.
  4. You won’t get jostled by irritating hoards of other half-mad shoppers.
  5. You won’t have to hear babies’ cries spiking above the white noise din of the mall.
  6. You won’t have to eat ulcer-ific “food” in the food court.
  7. You won’t have to wait for your wife or girlfriend while she “just stops by a shoe department for a quick look,” but ends up trying on 739 pairs of shoes.
  8. You won’t have to deal with semi-literate temporary holiday workers who have absolutely no idea what they actually sell in the store.
  9. You won’t have to plod aimlessly through the mall searching for the “perfect” gift, which probably doesn’t exist anyway.
  10. You can order my books, then lapse into a state of bliss knowing that this holiday season, the mall will not steal your soul.

So save yourselves, brothers… order my books from Amazon and avoid the whole shebang. In fact, just thinking about going to a shopping mall makes me glad that I’m a cat (hey, going to the vet is bad enough!).

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

We Almost Moved!

This post is a little out of the ordinary for me because it pertains mainly to Steve and his female (my humans) more than it does to cats… although as a preeminent member of our family and the alpha male in the household, I’m impacted by anything that affects Steve and the female.

A couple weeks ago, Steve and his female (who is a Realtor) found a townhouse that they REALLY liked. It was in a great location, had all kinds of cool features including a private rooftop deck, and most importantly, it had appropriate space in the downstairs bathroom for a litter box. The listing agent worked in the female’s office and the female considered her to be a friend, so naturally, Steve and the female felt they had a pretty good shot at getting the place… especially after they made a full-price offer.

Not to bore you with all the gory details (which you can read about on the female’s blog), but after being led to believe they had the “inside track” on the townhouse, Steve and his female learned that the listing agent had her own buyer, and in the end (surprise, surprise), the listing agent’s buyer ended up getting the townhouse. Naturally, Steve and his female were VERY disappointed… and I didn’t get to move into a nice new place.

Steve and the female are being pretty philosophical about the whole thing, but being a cat, I’m not quite as nice or forgiving as them. So, to the listing agent, here’s a big juicy feline hiss just for you. And don’t expect any treats from me this Christmas!

Monday, November 29, 2010

It's The Holiday Season!!!!

Being the shrewd observer that I am, I’ve noticed that store-owning humans have given nicknames to a couple days of the week to entice other humans to go out buy all kinds of stuff for the holidays. For example, the day after Thanksgiving is now known as Black Friday, when humans line up outside stores in the darkness of the wee wee hours to scarf up ultra bargains. Actually, it’s pretty hard to miss Black Friday, because when the advertising-flyer-laden morning paper hit the front step on Thanksgiving day, it shook the house like an earthquake (or, for you cats who don’t live in earthquake country… a tornado or a hurricane). And today, as this is being written, it’s Cyber Monday, where humans are encouraged to crank up their computers and buy all kinds of products on line… including my books. (In fact, to buy them from Amazon, click http://tiny.cc/zbaqa... hey, I’m just as crass and commercial as the next guy!)

As a cat who always thinks outside the litter box, I’ve come up with names for the other weekdays. After all, why should only two days get special names to encourage shopping when there are three other perfectly good weekdays to exploit. Here are my suggestions:

Treat Tuesday: A day when all pet-loving humans (yes, even dog lovers) could go out and buy tons of treats for their animals. The pet shops could have fantastic “doorbuster” sales on items such as cat treats and catnip for 50% off. Even I would give up one of my 20 daily naps to get in line at 3:00 a.m. for deals like that!

Wacky Wednesday: A day when humans in general could be manipulated by clever advertisements into thinking that they truly need all kinds of superfluous and passé junk that the stores couldn’t get rid of in past holiday seasons. Who wouldn’t want to stand in line for hours and go completely mad for a chance to grab “classic” gifts such as Beanie Babies or a Sony Walkman at bargain basement prices?

Thumpin’ Thursday: This could be sort of like Black Friday, but limited to extremely macho men who like to fight first and ask questions later. The stores could slash prices on manly things like power tools and Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendars, then encourage male customers to brawl their way to the bargains. The whole shebang could be shown on TV, streamed on the Internet, and even made into a video game, which would sell millions and help the economy. Am I a genius or what?

Anyway, like it or not, the holiday season is upon us. Bring on the Johnny Mathis Christmas music!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes, once again it’s Thanksgiving week… that wonderful time of year when we all stop and give thanks for all the wonderful blessings we have. Yes, even in these difficult economic times, most of us have much to be thankful for. But still, let’s not forget those who don’t have as much as we do and hope that their lives improve for the better. And let’s also remember those who have given so much over the years so that we can continue to have the lifestyle we so enjoy today.

Now right about here, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, Quasi, those are very nice Thanksgiving sentiments and all that, but what does Thanksgiving hold in store for us cats?” Well, for your edification and enjoyment, here’s the Thanksgiving section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box

Thanksgiving: A good holiday for cats, even if it’s not so good for turkeys. At Thanksgiving, human families get together to gorge themselves and good feeling is in the air (as are an abundance of good cooking smells!) In most households with male and female humans, the male usually spends the day watching football on TV while the female toils in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to providing engrossing tension and lively, entertaining arguments, this situation will afford you a good lap to sleep in, unless your male human becomes over-exuberant and spills beer on you, and plenty of interesting activity in the kitchen. Once the table is set, you might want to jump up there and make sure all the silverware, plates, and glasses are properly arranged. And when dinner is finally served, be sure to go from person to person looking as cute (and hungry) as possible. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving turkey. Yum! Then, when dinner is over and everyone is sated beyond the point of decency, including you, you can go into the bedroom and have a nice snooze on everyone’s coats, just like on New Years Eve and other holidays during cold seasons. Yes, there is much to be thankful for.

Along with Steve and Judy (my humans), and Bo Diddley and Piglet (my kitty compadres), I want to wish everyone - cat, human and otherwise - a very safe and happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

A Holiday Gift Idea for Cat Lovers (Guess What it Might Be!)

Another year is winding down and that means that the holiday season is almost upon us (Gulp!). You know what this means… over one full month of crowded shopping malls and post offices, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless, unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other ridiculously- expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford.

Well, this year, ‘ole Quaz is going to make things a lot easier for you. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming that you’re either a cat or a cat lover, and what could be a finer gift for cat lovers than copies of my books, The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Now here’s the best part… you can order these books from Amazon.com and avoid the mall completely! Think of it… no crowds, no hassles, no Johnny Mathis Christmas songs. Amazon will even do the gift wrapping for you, and if you order both books together, you can save a few bucks on shipping. Voila!

So this year, get the cat (or cat lover) on your holiday gift list what they REALLY want – The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box – and make it easy on yourself. Why mess around when the answer to the question, “What should I get for all the cat people in my life?” is just a few easy clicks away. And I guarantee you this… these books will bring laughter and enjoyment to anyone who shares their home with a cat and fully understands what wonderful little creatures we cats truly are.

Hey, I managed to get through this entire blog post without saying that my books are the PURR-fect gift for cat lovers!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Remembering Our Veterans...

Fortunately for us cats, we don’t have to fight in wars (except maybe when we go mano a mano with another cat, and that only lasts a few seconds at most). War among humans, on the other hand, is a terrible thing… it’s like a gigantic, horrifying, out-of-control machine with gnashing teeth and bone-crushing strength that lays waste to pretty much everything that gets in its way, including living things. No one seems to like or want wars, but they continue to happen over and over again. Why? I wish I knew.

Recently, Steve (my human) and his female went to France and spent some time in Normandy, where on June 6th, 1944, during World War II, soldiers from the United States, Great Britain and Canada landed on the beaches in a very bloody event known as D-Day. It was the beginning of the end of World War II, but thousands of young humans paid a dreadful price. Steve and his female visited those beaches and the hallowed ground that is now the American Cemetery (shown in the photo above). It was a sobering, heartbreaking reminder of the staggering cost of war in human terms, but it also made them feel extremely grateful to all those young people who died so long ago.

So on this Veteran’s Day, let's all take a few moments to remember the humans who made the ultimate sacrifice to defend and protect the way of life we enjoy and hold so dear. I wish there were no wars, but I give wholehearted thanks the men and women who fought and died in them on our behalf.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

OMG! I Have a Cat Crush on Taylor Swift!

The other day, I was just waking up from one of my 20 daily naps when I heard a sweet, yet familiar voice wafting in from the next room. Like a powerful and alluring Siren, the voice called out to me and beckoned me to come closer, which (being a nosy, curious cat) I did. I saw Steve’s female sitting at her computer, and when I jumped up on the desk for a better look, it all became crystal clear. Oh, yes. Steve’s female was on iTunes downloading songs from an album by – that’s right, you guessed it – my ultimate mancat crush of all time… Taylor Swift.

Apparently, Taylor Swift has a new album called “Speak Now,” and there it was, with an irresistible photo of Taylor Swift herself, right on the female’s computer screen. Oh, Taylor (may I call you Taylor?), please come over and rub my tummy… I promise I won’t grab and claw your arm (well… maybe I will). Perhaps we could even have a romantic, candlelight dinner of Kitty Stew together, and then I could curl up in your lap for a cozy catnap. OMG, have I gone crazy? Have I lost my little kitty mind?

I first saw Taylor Swift when she hosted Saturday Night Live about a year ago, and ever since them, I’ve had a BIG CAT CRUSH on her. Now I know this is just a crazy fantasy and that nothing will ever come of it, but I find myself dreaming of her gentle touch as she pets my head, kisses my nose and cuddles me. It makes me purr just thinking about it! I wonder if Taylor Swift is a cat person? And, dare I even think it… I wonder if she’s read The World Is Your Litter Box or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box?

Oh well, like I said, probably nothing will ever come of my kitty crush. I’m sure there are millions of other mancats who feel the same way I do (curse them!). But hey Taylor… if you ever come to Burbank, there’s a great big furry white tummy waiting for you to rub!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

And the Winners Are...

Our 1st Annual Halloween Cats Photo Contest was a screeching success, but before we announce the winners, let me thank everyone who entered the contest. All the photos were wonderful, and it was very difficult to select the winners (especially when ALL cats are winners!). Our decisions were based on originality and cuteness, and even though all the photos made us smile, here are the winners that made us smile the most…

1st Place – DIVINA
2nd Place - SPIRIT
3rd Place - TUX & TWITCH
4th Place - MS. RIZZO

Con-cat-ulations to Divina, Spirit, Tux & Twitch, and Ms. Rizzo, and to their humans. And thanks to everyone for sharing their delightful Halloween Cats photos.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Back Home Again Damage Report 2010

Steve and his female (my humans) just returned from their vacation in France, and although they were only gone a little over a week, it felt like a lot longer. We missed them, (we being me and my housemates Bo Diddley and Piglet), but during their absence, we spent a collective 600 hours napping, so mostly, we missed them only in our dreams. And, as usual, we were able to con our pet sitter into giving us an overabundance of kitty treats. Still, when humans leave cats home alone for extended periods, they MUST pay, and Steve and his female are no exception. Here’s the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-us damage report, and with three cats on the job, it’s massive (well, not quite as bad as the house in the photo above, but VERY extensive):
  • 45 minutes of serious kitty scorn (we tried for an hour, but we couldn’t hold out any longer)
  • 2 unraveled and finely-shredded rolls of toilet paper
  • 2 “accidents” outside litter box
  • 4 upended wastebaskets with contents batted around and scattered
  • Extensive chewing on the leaves of three of the female’s favorite houseplants
  • Houseplants used for… well, you know
  • Dirt from houseplants plants kicked out onto carpet
  • 1 kacked-up hairball on coffee table, with fallout spatter on the DVD remote
  • 1 kacked-up hairball on the kitchen floor, from top-of-the refrigerator altitude
  • 1 Ming Dynasty vase knocked over and broken
  • All kitchen cupboards opened and edible contents consumed (or at least messily checked out)
  • Bag of flour chewed open and spread around kitchen floor
  • All DVR’d shows deleted and replaced with programming from Animal Planet and Comedy Central
  • Ultra-shredding on arm of couch
  • All books pushed out of the bookcase and onto the floor (except The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box)
  • Overwhelming smell of cat throughout the house
  • Cat hair on everything

And one final thing… Steve and the female said they saw two very cute chats (that’s ‘cats’ in French) in Normandy, but none in Paris. They did, however, see a lot of chiens (that’s ‘dogs’ in French) in both places… la terreur, la terreur! I’ll have more about the chats and chiens of France in an upcoming post. And now that the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-us-home-alone has been administered and the score has been settled, I admit that I'm glad my humans are home!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Home Alone... Again!

From Saturday, October 16th through Monday, October 25th, Steve and his female (my humans) are going on something called a vacation to a place called France. From what I understand, a vacation is where humans go off somewhere and do as little as possible (hey, wait a minute… that sounds very much like what we cats do all the time! Does that mean that cats are always on vacation?). And France (for you geographically-challenged kitties) is a country in Europe where cats are known as chats.

Anyway, what this means to moi, is that while Steve and the female are strolling around Par-ee and having a wonderful time, I’ll be left home alone. Well, not completely alone because my housemates Bo Diddley and Piglet will be here with me, and our pet sitter will be coming over to feed us and give us doses of love and attention. Still, when the humans go away…they must pay! And as all cats know (if you read the “How to Punish Your Human When They Leave You Home Alone” chapter in The World Is STILL Your Litter Box), I’m talking about destruction. Nothing on a nuclear scale, mind you… just enough household damage to let Steve and the female know that leaving us cats alone for an extended period was a VERY bad idea. And with Bo Diddley and Pig to help me, we should be able to wreck enough havoc to teach Steve and his female a lesson they shan’t soon forget!

Meanwhile, keep those photos coming for our Halloween Cats Photo Contest. We’ve received some great ones, but we want lots more! For contest info, including the email address where your photo should be sent, click here... or scroll down a couple posts. We’ll check them out and post them on our Facebook page when the happy couple returns from their vacation.

Until then, adieu mes amis et collegues chats!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

In Defense of "Crazy" Cat Ladies

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, fellow cat, that humans are an endless source of amusement. Humans are just so much fun to manipulate, cajole and mess with, that we cats just can’t help ourselves… I know I certainly can’t. Yet, there’s one sadly abused and misunderstood group of humans that deserves some slack and possibly even a little extra kitty love. Yes, that’s right… I’m talkin’ about “crazy” cat ladies.

First, let me state that a human can never have too many cats… with two very important caveats. One is that all cats, no matter how many, be well-treated, well cared for and loved, and two, that the homestead is kept clean and doesn’t smell like… well, like cat. If you’re a human and can adhere to those simple rules, you are welcome (by my official decree) to have as many cats as you want… within reason, of course. You don’t want to take on more cats than you can comfortably accommodate and take care of properly. In other words, you don't want to become a cat hoarder.

Now secondly, I strongly object to the use of the word “crazy” to describe humans, especially women, who love their cats pretty much to the exclusion of all else. There’s nothing crazy about loving cats… in fact, if you ask me, it’s one of the major signs of sanity in humans. And, hey, if a person happens to be a little on the obsessed side about their feline companions, so what? Believe me, it’s better to be obsessed about cats than some of the other things humans get fixated on. Humans do many things that are genuinely wacky, but loving cats too much is not one of them.

So “crazy” cat ladies, if you get along with cats better than other people, so be it. If you want to be buried in cats while you sit on the couch and watch TV, more power to you! And if you can’t resist giving a good home to just one more cat in need, you are, in my estimation, an exceptional human being. Cat ladies rock!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Our 1st Annual Halloween Cats Photo Contest!

To celebrate Halloween (very possibly the most fun holiday of all!), we’re running our 1st Annual Halloween Cats Photo Contest. Woo-hoo! To enter and have a chance to win some fantastic prizes, all you have to do is take a Halloween-related photo of your kitty (or kitties) and email it to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. You can dress your kitty up in a costume, or simply take a photo of them next to a pumpkin or some other Halloweenie-type thing. Be creative, but don’t harm or embarrass your kitty for the sake of the photo! Be sure to include your name, the name of the cat in the photo, and a “snail mail” address. What could be easier?

The contest will have one grand prize winner and second, third and fourth place winners, to be determined by Team Quasi (that would be me, Steve and Steve’s female). We’ll be looking for cleverness and originality, but above all, cuteness. The grand prize winner will receive signed copies of my books, The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. The second, third and fourth place winners will receive fabulous items from the newly-opened The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop. All photos will be posted in the “Halloween Cats” photo album on The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page.

The contest will close at midnight (PDT) on Friday, October 29th, and the winners will be announced on Sunday the 31st… yes, that’s right… Halloween! So, good luck everyone. We can’t wait to see your photos!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It's Too Hot for Kitties (And Humans)!

A week or so ago, I was hanging around with my housemates, Bo Diddley and Piglet, meowing about what a cool summer we had here in Southern California and how lucky we were. And, I must admit, we were kind of gloating about the poor cats (and humans) in the rest of the country that had to endure sweltering heat for the last few months.

Well, he or she who purrs last purrs best… our long-missing heat has finally arrived, and with a vengeance. Yesterday, it hit 113 degrees in downtown Los Angeles, which is a new record. In fact, it was so hot, the thermometer they use to make official heat measurements broke, so it may have actually been even hotter! Hey, for all I know, it could have been a million and twelve degrees downtown.

As a cat, there are two things to do when it gets this hot… First, complain loudly to your human and make them feel guilty (even though it’s not really their fault). Belly aching about the heat won’t make it any cooler, but it certainly is fun to complain. And secondly (and most obviously), find a relatively cool place to nap the day away. You might feel hot and uncomfortable (and cranky), but if you sleep for 20 hours, it won’t seem so bad.

And, fellow cats who are also roasting in the heat, look at it this way… in a few months, winter will be here and then we can all complain about how cold it is!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Grand Opening! The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop

Attention Quasi-Mart shoppers! The official The World Is Your Litter Box On-Line Shop is now open with a stunning array of ultra-fab goodies for cat lovers. Yes, we’ve got it all… shirts, hats, baby clothing, mugs, magnets, buttons, bumper stickers… even a “Quasi” thong for the ladies. All these fine products have Quasi and Litter Box-related designs that you won’t find anywhere else. Shop early and avoid the lines (okay, there aren’t any lines, but shop early anyway… believe me, once you see these one-of-a-kind items you won’t want to live one more minute without them!). And, needless to say, any one of these products would make an excellent gift for the cat lover in your life.

You’re probably wondering why a reclusive author such as me would want to open an on-line retail outlet. Well, there are several reasons. First of all – and I’m being blatantly honest here – these products help call attention to my books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in case you’d forgotten). Secondly, believe it or not, we’ve received a lot of requests from cat lovers for this kind of stuff. Thirdly, if we sell enough of this swag, we can make a few bucks – again being completely honest here! And lastly, this gives me an opportunity to come up with clever and catchy product descriptions… in fact, all the product info under “From the Designer” was written by yours truly.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the shop and visit often. We’ll be adding new products from time to time, and many of these items will be given away as prizes in upcoming contests on our The World Is Your Litter Box Facebook page (we welcome you to become a “fan”). And one last great thing about the shop… we never close!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Quasi's Back-to-School Tips for Young Humans

One thing I love about this time of year is that young humans (that’s right… children and teenagers) return to school. Our house is equidistant between a high school and an elementary school, so when school lets out in the afternoon, I like nothing more than to sit in the front window and watch the steady parade of kids go by. I especially enjoy the antics of the high schoolers (except when they throw Slurpee cups and other trash in our yard, the little oinkers!).

Needless to say, we felines already know everything, so we don’t have to go to school. Still, being the erudite professorial type that I am, I would like to impart ten important educational tips to all you kids who aren’t as lucky (or as smart) as us kitties...

  1. Don’t be late for school (if cats can show up for their meals on time, surely you can be in class when the bell rings).
  2. Pay attention in class and don’t give the teacher a hard time (they’re doing their best to cram information into your feeble – uh, I mean fertile – little human brains).
  3. Don’t fall asleep in class (whoa... it’s a good thing we cats DON’T have to go to school!).
  4. Don’t text or go on-line in class (unless you’re ordering my books from Amazon).
  5. For God’s sake, DON’T take any weapons to school (If you have a disagreement with someone, just hiss at them or, if absolutely necessary, give them a few whappies).
  6. Try to eat healthy food at lunchtime once in awhile (I know many kids think fruit is medicine, but hey chunko… eat an apple once in awhile!).
  7. Don’t pick on smaller kids (that nerdy kid you’re bullying might just be the next Bill Gates).
  8. Don’t trash the school yard (save the trashing for your own bedroom).
  9. Do your homework (but if you should happen to slack off, don’t try and pin the blame on your cat or your hapless dog… that old ‘the dog ate my homework’ or ‘my cat shredded my assignment’ won’t cut it).
  10. Enjoy school while you can (believe me, someday you’ll wish you could go back).

So there you go students. I hope these tips are helpful as you slog your way through the school year. Meanwhile, I’m going to go take one of my 20 daily naps. I’ll be thinking about you!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Promote Goodwill for Cats (And Help Me Sell Some Books!)

In an effort to promote goodwill for cats and spread the word about how ultra-fantastic cats truly are (and to self-servingly shill my two books), I’ve come up with yet another great idea that will be mutually beneficial to all and help make the world an even better place for us felines.

If you have a blog or a website that is cat-related in a positive and loving way, be it humorous, informative or whatever, we are proposing a good old-fashioned link exchange. If you are willing to place our badge (pictured above) on your website or blog, we will be more than happy to add you as a link on the official The World Is Your Litter Box website, which gets about a jillion visits a day (well, maybe not that many, but a lot!). We’ll also add you to our blog roll, which is also seen by a multitude of cat lovers every day.

So if this sounds good to you, send info about your blog and/or website to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com ... and we’ll get you linked up right away. We’ll also send you the code for our badge. Hey, if corporations and politicians can use the web to promote themselves, we cats should have the same opportunity, right?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Steve's Female Has a Stinger (Part 2)

About a week ago, I told you that Steve’s female has somehow developed a stinger (like a bee) that she uses on me when I go after Piglet for his futile and laughable incursions on my position as the alpha male in the house. Since then, the finest scientific minds in the world (well… mine, anyway) have been trying to figure out what the dilly-o is with the female’s stinger, and I think I’ve discovered a couple clues.

First, before the female “stings” me, she opens a drawer in her desk and pulls out something that appears to be stretchy, circular, and made out of rubber or some other type of flexible material. It’s pretty small, so it’s hard to see exactly what it is. [Note from Steve: It’s a rubber band.] The female then pulls back on it, aims it at my hindquarters (which are large and hard to miss), and lets it go. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel a little ouch-producing sting, which is VERY irritating. How does the female do it? There must be some connection between the circular flexible object and the female’s stinger, but I can’t quite figure out what it is. I’ll keep working on it, though. Oh, yes.

Meanwhile, I’ve come up with a way to deal with Piglet when he challenges my alpha maleness, and that is, I simply wait until Steve and his female leave the house, then I pummel some sense into the little bugger. Naturally, Steve and the female considered the possibility that this might happen, so they made Pig a “Panic Room,” where he can run to when I go after him, the little wuss (shown in the photo above). As you can see, Pig’s “Panic Room” is not exactly the Maginot Line, so I can quite easily penetrate the defenses if I really need to. Usually, though, I just let him run in there and think about his transgressions for awhile before I let him come out. Alpha males rule!

On another note, Steve (my typist) and his female are going away for the weekend (they’ll pay for that, too), so I want to take a moment to wish everyone a happy Labor Day Weekend!

Monday, August 23, 2010

OMG! Steve's Female Has a Stinger!

As all cats know, humans can be very flummoxing at times… especially female humans. Female humans come equipped with cat-like deviousness of their own, so they can be very hard to figure out. At times, even male humans have difficulty understanding what makes female humans tick, and my male human, Steve, is no exception.

Still, you can only imagine my surprise when, completely out of the blue, I found out that Steve’s female has a stinger! Yes, that’s right… a stinger. Just like a bee or a wasp.

Now, those of you who have read my latest book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, know that I now have two kitty compadres in my household, Bo Diddley and Piglet. Bo Diddley is pretty cool, but Piglet (who is a runt) makes constant affronts on my alpha maleness. I’ve written about this pretty extensively in STILL Your Litter Box, but suffice it to say that when Piglet challenges my alpha maleness, I have no choice but to straighten him out, usually with a flurry of whaps to the head. Naturally, Steve’s female is overly-protective of Piglet who, as I said, is a little guy. So when I take up paws against him, even though it’s his fault (the little rotter!), the female ALWAYS comes to his defense.

To thwart my alpha male aggressiveness toward Piglet, the female has tried a variety of tactics – yelling at me to stop (hah!), stomping her feet (nice try!), squirting me with a water bottle (oh, please!) – nothing worked. But the other day, when I was rightfully putting Piglet in his place, I felt a little sting on my right flank… ouchie! At first, I thought it might be my imagination, but when I returned to the business at hand – whapping Piglet into submission – darned if I didn’t feel another sting! Quickly putting two and two together, I came to the obvious conclusion… Steve’s female has a stinger, and she’s not afraid to use it!

[Note from Steve: Quasi doesn’t know that I’ve added this little aside to his blog post, but I don’t want anyone to think we’re hurting or abusing the big white guy… something we would NEVER do. The female’s “stinger” is actually a small rubber band that she shoots at Quasi’s hindquarters when he’s bashing Piglet. It doesn’t hurt him, but it definitely gets his attention and causes him to stop. Until he figures this out, which he ultimately will I’m sure, the “stinger” has proven to be most effective in preventing Piglet from getting ruthlessly pummeled.]

Anyway, fellow cats, I’m going to get to the bottom of this “stinger” business, and when I do, I’ll let you know what I find out. Meanwhile, keep a close eye out if you’ve got a female human in your household. Who knows? She might have a stinger too!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Two Cat Books You Should Check Out (Besides Mine!)


I thought I’d give everyone a break from plugging my own books (The World Is Your Litter Box & The World Is STILL Your Litter Box… sorry, I couldn’t resist!) and let you know about two other cat books that we really like.

The first is Buckley’s Story, written by Ingrid King, who also writes the excellent blog, The Conscious Cat. Buckley’s Story is about Ingrid’s adoption of Buckley, a beautiful tortoise shell kitty who, sadly, developed heart disease and ultimately made her way to the Rainbow Bridge. The book focuses on Ingrid’s caring for Buckley through her illness and the special bond they developed, and although it’s kind of sad in places, it really is a celebration of the timeless connection between humans and kitties. Here’s the Amazon link for Buckley’s Story, which I highly recommend.

And then there’s the brand new book from my personal friend Sparkle the Designer Cat entitled Dear Sparkle: Cat-to-Cat Advice from the World’s Foremost Feline Columnist. In this her second book, Sparkle answers questions from inquiring kitties and provides sage advice for resolving all manners of kitty conundrums. And if that’s not enough, there’s even a mention of yours truly in the introduction. Here’s the Amazon link for Dear Sparkle… very funny and very informative!

Yes, fellow cats, you’ll certainly want to add these wonderful books to your library, along with The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, of course (hey, what can I tell you… I’m a hopeless hype machine!).

Monday, August 9, 2010

Reviews of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

We’re starting to get some very nice reviews of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box from highly intelligent and erudite reviewers who clearly recognize fine literature when they see it. For example, in the Tampa Bay Tribune, Kristen Levine of Fetching Communications writes, “There are plenty of laughs in these pages, and loads of cattitude.” Sandy Amazeen on Monsters & Critics says, “Animal lovers are sure to laugh aloud at Quasi’s bright antics while recognizing aspects of their own feline companions.” On the Conscious Cat blog, Ingrid King, the author of Buckley’s Story, calls The World Is STILL Your Litter Box “a thoroughly delightful book for all cat lovers.” Sandy Robins, the Cat Fancy columnist, says “If you enjoyed Quasi’s first foray into the literary litter box, he has a lot more to say in the sequel.” And in the Burbank Leader (my hometown newspaper), Lyda Truick writes, “Quasi fills many chapters with anecdotal tactics for being the best cat possible.”

Yes, it’s truly wonderful to bask in praise from the literary world, but like all spoiled, insecure artists, I want MORE MORE MORE! If you would like to share your thoughts about The World Is Your Litter Box and/or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (and stroke my fragile ego), send them to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. We’ll post your comments on the “Reviews” page of the Litter Box website for all the world to see. And if you’re feeling really ambitious, you can write a review of either or both books on Amazon (and seriously, we need all the reviews we can get!). To write a review, simply go Amazon and access the pages for the books. Click on “Customer Reviews,” which you’ll find under the title, then click on “Create Your Own Review.” Your thoughts and opinions are very important to us… especially if they’re complimentary and nice!

To read all the reviews of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, go to the “Reviews” page of the Litter Box website.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Cats & Vampires

These days, everyone seems to be going gaga over vampires. You’ve got the Twilight books and movies, which are phenomenally popular, and of course, there’s the HBO show True Blood, which Steve and his female never miss (actually, I watch it with them from my usual perch on the back of the couch behind their heads and I thoroughly enjoy it my own darn self).

But quite frankly, I don’t see why humans get so excited about vampires when they have us cats… and there are many, many similarities between cats and vampires. We both have evil-looking fangs, and we both can be very scary when we want to be (check out the kitty in the photo). We both can administer a fearsome bite and be extremely dangerous. We both like to prowl around at night and sleep during the day. We both have excellent night vision. And we both can get humans to do pretty much whatever we want.

And yet, while there are similarities, we cats have have a startling number of advantages over vampires. Here are some of them:
  • Cats are MUCH, MUCH cuter than vampires
  • Cats won’t drink your blood (we may scratch you and draw blood, but that’s as far as we go)
  • Vampires will not sit on your lap while you read or watch TV
  • Cats are impervious to garlic (a huge advantage for Italian families that like to cook)
  • Cats will let you pick them up and cuddle them (try THAT with a vampire!)
  • Vampires won’t let you rub their tummy like we cats will (well…for a couple seconds until we grab your arm anyway)
  • Cats like exciting music such as rockabilly and emo, whereas vampires would rather listen to boring dirges from medieval times
  • Cats will (grudgingly) let you dress them up in ridiculous clothing (don’t even THINK about trying THAT with a vampire!)
  • Cats are photogenic… vampires, when their fangs are down, are pretty ugly
  • Vampires DO NOT purr

So the next time your human starts gushing about how amazing vampires are, turn on the charm and let them know that cats make much better pets. After all, we have many vampire-like attributes with none of the disadvantages, the primary one being that a vampire might drink a human's blood and kill them, whereas we kitties… well, as long as our humans continue to love us and do our bidding would never do such a thing!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Summer Reading & Safety Tips for Cats

With the “dog” days of summer fast approaching, you’re probably looking for a couple good books to read while you’re lounging by the pool or tanning up on the beach like the kitty in the photo. Might I humbly suggest The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box? They’re light and funny so they won’t depress you like all those books about the horrible state of the world, they’re chic and ultra-hip so you can impress your friends with your excellent taste in literature, and they’re very lightweight so you won’t strain yourself carrying them to your favorite reading spot. What could be better?

And while I’m at it, here are a few summer safety tips for my kitty compadres. First, be sure to use PLENTY of sun block if you plan on lounging about (or napping) in the out-of-doors… you don’t want those deadly gamma rays to singe your fur or burn your tender skin. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids so you stay hydrated… in fact, why not ask your human to add some refreshing ice cubes to your drinking water? DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT mess around with dogs that are lying in the sun… the heat makes them extra grouchy and just because they look wasted with their tongues lolling out doesn’t mean they won’t get up and chase you. And lastly, if you go for a refreshing dip in the pool and engage in some entertaining underwater hijinx, don’t forget to come up for air.

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Quasi's Idea for Winning the Fight in Afghanistan

Like pretty much all Americans, cats, humans and otherwise, I would like to see the conflict in Afghanistan brought to a swift conclusion, and for our troops to come home safe and sound. To such an effect, I’ve come up with an idea that I think will help win the fight quickly and decisively. In fact, it’s such a great idea, I can’t believe some other cat didn’t think of it before.

As everyone knows, we cats are finely-tuned fighting machines, and perhaps the most fearsome tools in our arsenal are our ultra-mighty back legs. Science has proven that the force generated by a cat’s bunny-kicking back legs, pound for pound, is more powerful than an exploding supernova or a combination of five neutron bombs. Actually I just made that up, but still… no cat (or human) who’s been on the receiving end of the rear-legged defense can deny the sheer, unmitigated destructive force. When our back legs get to pumpin’ with claws fully extended… look out!

So here’s my idea… we’re using drones in Afghanistan, right? Well, why not simply equip those drones with mechanical back cat legs? Then, the drones could fly low over the enemy, but instead of dropping bombs, the back kitty legs could be activated and the Taliban (or whoever) could be pummeled and scratched into submission. Hey, it may sound crazy, but they laughed at the Wright Brothers and Bill Gates too.

As a good American kitty, I would certainly be willing to allow my back legs to be used as a design prototype, and I’m sure other patriotic felines would be more than happy to make the same offer. So how about it, Department of Defense? Let’s quit “pussy footing” around over there and win this thing with the awesome, formidable firepower of a cat’s back legs.

Monday, July 12, 2010

eBook Versions of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, the ultra-hilarious sequel to The World Is Your Litter Box, is now available as an eBook in a variety of formats for all types of devices and computers. Just think… you can read my new book wherever you might be – on the subway, in an airplane, at your place of work instead of actually doing your job – the possibilities are infinite! And you can download the book and begin reading it in seconds… talk about instant gratification!

For your shopping and downloading convenience, here are four handy links:

  • For the Amazon Kindle edition, click here.
  • For the Sony eReader edition, click here.
  • For the Barnes & Noble Nook edition, click here.
  • For the iUniverse edition, click here.

The Nook edition may also be used to read The World Is STILL Your Litter Box on an iPad, iPhone, Blackberry, PC or Mac. The iUniverse edition may be read on a PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone or Blackberry.

Unfortunately, my first book, The World Is Your Litter Box, is not yet available as an eBook… hopefully, it will be in the not-too-distant future. Meanwhile, you’ll just have to read it the old-fashioned way. In other words, you’ll have to physically hold the book and turn the pages by hand. Some of you may not be familiar with this primitive means of reading, but once you get the hang of it, it’s really not so bad.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Quasi's Cool Cat iMix (2010)

Summer’s here and the time is right for dancing in the streets, as Martha & The Vandellas so eloquently sang back in the day… so, your friend Quasi has created the ultimate i-Mix for all you cool cats and kittens to enjoy at work and at play. Along with classics such as “Stray Cat Strut” and “Year of the Cat,” you’ll find some real gems including “Litter Box Boogie,” “Leave My Kitten Alone,” “Do the Hairball,” and “When Kitty Eyes Are Smiling.” Plus, this is probably the only playlist in history where “The Siamese Cat Song” segues into the Rolling Stones’ “Stray Cat Blues.” How hip is that?

Here’s the complete playlist:

Put Your Cat Clothes On - Carl Perkins
What’s New Pussycat - Tom Jones
Litter Box Boogie - Laurel Canyon Animal Company
Black Cat - Janet Jackson
Stray Cat Strut - The Stray Cats
Leave My Kitten Alone - Little Willie John
Do the Hairball - The Mopes
The Siamese Cat Song - Peggy Lee with Si & Am
Stray Cat Blues - The Rolling Stones
Alley Cat - Bent Fabric
I Love My Cat’s Meow - Donnie Barren
Three Cool Cats - The Coasters
Pink Pussycat - Devo
The Kitty Cat Song - Lee Dorsey
Hairball or Puke - Budda-Bang
Cat Man - Gene Vincent
Carol of the Meows - Guster
This Cat’s On a Hot Tin Roof - The Brian Setzer Orchestra
Year of the Cat - Al Stewart
When Kitty Eyes Are Smiling - Marc Gunn

And here's the link...
Quasi's Cool Cat iMix (2010)

Proving, unequivocally and without question, that CATS ROCK!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy 4th of July!

OMG, the 4th of July is upon us! Time, once again, for American humans to celebrate the founding of the country and go REALLY crazy with fireworks, BBQs and oceans of beer. Yes, on the 4th, the good ‘ole US of A will be 234 years old (or, approximately 1638 in cat years). Let the festivities begin!

To honor American and its founding fathers, especially those among them who were cat lovers, I thought I’d share my personal take on the holiday from a kitty’s perspective. Here’s an excerpt from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of my first book, The World Is Your Litter Box….

4th of July: The birthday of America with lots of patriotic razzle-dazzle, but not a good holiday for cats. Most Americans celebrate the 4th with backyard barbeques that fill the air with noxious, cloying smoke (Fools! Do they think global warming is a myth?) Then when it gets dark, after gorging themselves and drinking copious amounts of beer, they go and watch explosions in the sky. While some of these explosions are quite pretty (and quite psychedelic if you’ve been sniffing catnip), they are loud and VERY SCARY. Apart from seeing homes festooned with American flags and hearing off-key versions of the Star Spangled Banner played by horrible high school bands, and the possibility of eating leftover BBQ, there is not much for a cat to look forward to on the 4th of July except the return of sanity on the 5th. Also, the 4th of July is a time you outdoor cats should stay inside. Believe it or not, some twisted humans will actually go out of their way to torment cats with fireworks. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

Here’s wishing everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a safe, happy and fun-filled 4th of July! And fellow cats, don’t worry… those dreaded boom-booms in the sky will only last 15-20 minutes or so. Still, just before the mayhem begins, you might want to find a safe place to hide, like under the bed or in a closet, where the boom-booms can’t get to you.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Lion Cuts

Now that summer has arrived and things are warming up here in good ‘ole Burbank, my two longhaired housemates, Bo Diddley and Piglet, have gotten their annual lion cuts. As you can see by the photos (Pig on top, B.D. on the bottom), they look very cute… however, just because they look like little lions doesn’t mean they can strut around and act like BIG lions.

Especially Piglet.

Yes, that’s right… the smallest member of the pride, who challenges my alpha maleness on a daily basis anyway, now thinks that he has somehow acquired mystical lion powers, and that he is suddenly the king of the jungle around here. Wrong again, Bucko. As all my fellow alpha males know, there can be only one lion king in each household, and in our household, that lion king is ME! And when challenged, even by a little lion, I have to administer a flurry of whaps, hisses and moans to restore order.

So if you’re an alpha like me and you find yourself confronted by an interloper like Piglet (whether they have a lion cut or not), simply pull out your copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box and refer to the chapter, “How to Live with Multiple Cats & Alpha Males” (I couldn’t resist yet one more shameless plug for my book!). You’ll find all kinds of tips and advice for dealing with pretenders to your throne of alpha maleness.

Still, I must admit, Bo Diddley and Piglet DO look rather ferocious (in an adorable kind of way). In fact, seeing them with their lion cuts almost makes me wish that I was a longhaired cat so I could get one too.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Bionic Kitty

Here’s yet another kitty-in-trouble story (why do we do it to ourselves?) that fortunately seems to have turned out alright, and is, in fact, pretty amazing.

Last October, on a farm in the British Channel Islands, a two-and-half-year-old cat named Oscar was having a little kip (that’s “nap” for you non-British kitties) in a sunny spot that just happened to be in the path of a combine harvester… I know, it sounds bad already. Poor little Oscar was run over and the lower portions of his hind legs were severely damaged. The local vet, where Oscar was taken, referred Oscar’s family to Dr. Noel Fitzpatrick, a neuro-orthopedic surgeon. Working in conjunction with two biomedical engineering experts, Dr. Fitzpatrick fashioned metal bionic prosthetic legs, which were fastened to the remaining portions of Oscar’s back legs by means of implanted pegs, and viola… Oscar can now run and jump pretty much like a normal kitty. Cor blimey! (that’s “Holy s--t!” for you non-British kitties). And as Winston Churchill might have said, this is Oscar’s “finest hour.” That’s Oscar in the photo with his new bionic back legs.

Being a cat, Oscar is fairly nonplussed by all the attention. Still, being the world’s first bionic kitty is pretty special. Can a TV show be far behind? In the 1970s, we had The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman, so why not The Bionic Cat? Hey, I’d certainly watch it.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Buy 'Em Both Together!

Just in time for your summer reading pleasure, Amazon is offering a couple ways to save money on purchases of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box.

If you already bought The World Is Your Litter Box, but don’t yet have The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, you can now save 10% off the cover price of the sequel (that’s a jaw-dropping savings of $1.20!). If you don’t yet have either book, you can purchase them together for the incredibly low price of $20.70. Astounding bargains like this don’t come along every day, especially when we’re talking classic (and extremely funny) cat literature. In fact, to put everything in proper perspective, here are several good reasons why you should buy both books together…

  • When you finish the first book, you can start the second one immediately (Yes, that’s right… instant gratification!)
  • You’ll get twice as many laughs.
  • Shipping both books together requires less fossil fuel and helps the environment.
  • Both books together are cheaper than the complete works of Shakespeare (and WAY easier to understand).
  • The two covers complement each other and will look nice on your coffee table.
  • Double is ALWAYS better (think double cheeseburgers or two scoops of ice cream).
  • You’ll be the envy of all your cat-loving friends.
  • Your cat(s) will acquire twice as much wisdom from yours truly.
  • I’ll earn twice as many royalties (Hey, might as well be honest here!).
  • Your cat(s) will be doubly thankful and doubly nice to you (for a few minutes, anyway).

No serious cat lover should be without The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, so order now! For more info on both books, and a link to Amazon, visit the official The World Is Your Litter Box website.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Write a Book Review of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

Have you ever read a convoluted book review by some snobby self-absorbed intellectual and thought to yourself, “I could write a better review than THAT!” Well, fellow cats (and cat lovers), here’s your chance. If you bought The World Is STILL Your Litter Box from Amazon.com, you’re entitled to write a review and tell everyone on Earth what you think of the book. Start by going to Amazon’s page for The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Click on “customer reviews,” which is right under the title info. This will take you to the “Reviews,” page, where you can click on “Create Your Own Review” and have at it. Needless to say, it would be most helpful if you said something nice, but all constructive comments would be welcome… hey, I can take the heat! We’ll also add your review to the “Reviews” page on the Litter Box website.

And while I’m shamelessly plugging The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, let me remind you that the book makes a perfect Father’s Day gift for the cat-loving dad in your life. Let’s face it… what father wouldn’t rather get a cat book than socks, a tie, or some type of power tool?

Friday, June 11, 2010

How Kittens Are Made


Throughout the history of cinema, certain films have come along and made such an impact that they elevated the art form to new plateaus and pointed the motion picture industry in an entirely new direction… films such as Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, The Bicycle Thief, Star Wars, The Godfather, and anything with Jennifer Aniston to name but a few.

Now, another rubicon in the history of filmmaking has been crossed. Yes, movie aficionados, for your viewing pleasure, I have channeled Orson Welles and directed my first film, “How Kittens Are Made,” a groundbreaking two-minute slice of cinema vérité featuring my friend and protégée, Andy. Here are some of the early reactions from film buffs around the world…

  • “OMG… what a mancat!”
  • “Mon Dieu… le chat du amour!”
  • “Made my pulse race!“
  • “LOL funny!”
  • “Get that cat a hooker!”

Now, a brief word of warning… “How Kittens Are Made” is a bit on the risqué side, so if you’re easily offended by humor that might be considered by some to be racy and slightly twisted, don’t watch it. However, if you think you can stand it, here’s the link…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUGQqN87LNI

Enjoy!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Why My Book Promos Are Less Annoying Than Political Ads


One thing about being a writer these days is that unless you’re really, really famous (or a nauseating celebrity with a tawdry lifestyle), most publishers will do very little to promote your books. What this means is that many authors, like me for example, have to shoulder the majority of the PR load and get the word out any way we can.

Now, I acknowledge that sometimes, my incessant hyping of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (notice how I cleverly slipped the names in there!) can get a little irksome. But consider this… when compared to political ads, repeated references to my books are like a breath of fresh air. In fact, to illustrate the point, here are ten good reasons why promos for my books are far less annoying than political ads:

My book promos…

1. Are not on TV every five minutes
2. Do not include nonsensical B.S. from candidates
3. Do not ruthlessly batter opponents (in my case, other cat books)
4. Do not include phrases like “Commie” and “Right-Wing Nut Job”
5. Are not full of untruths (that’s a polite way of saying “lies”)
6. Do not single out ethic groups for subtle-but-slimy attacks
7. Do not include frenzied cheers such as “Lit-Ter-Box, Lit-Ter-Box”
8. Do not state that I will solve ALL problems without raising taxes
9. Are amusing and entertaining (I think so, anyway)
10. Are not self-serving (Well, okay, they are… but in a good way!)

So the next time you see one of my promos for The World Is Your Litter Box or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (yes, once again I’ve slipped the names in, ha-ha!) and think to yourself, “Will Quasi NEVER go away?” just be glad that I’m not a politician running for office. Or, you could simply succumb to the hype and buy the books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in case you forgot!).

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Don't Go In There!

Here’s another kitty-in-trouble story that fortunately (and amazingly) has a happy ending.

Last week, in a suburb of Sydney, Australia, a four-month old Persian kitten named Kimba climbed into a front loading washing machine and curled up on the clothes. (I know… this sounds bad already). Another member of the family, who didn’t know that Kimba was in the washing machine, closed the door and started a full wash cycle, which included a high-level spin.

Anyway, when Kimba’s human went to pull the clothes out of the washing machine, they found Kimba, who “looked like a drowned rat,” but was miraculously alive. Kimba was rushed to the vet, where she was treated for shock and hypothermia (the wash cycle was set for "cold"). She also received treatment for her eyes, which were irritated by the detergent. Luckily, however, Kimba is expected to make a full recovery. Whew!

The moral of this story, and this is directed primarily toward humans who have a kitten in the house, is to BE VERY CAREFUL when doing laundry, and MAKE SURE no cats are in the washer or the dryer before you shut the door and start the machine. Need I say more?

The one good thing that came out of this misadventure for Kimba is that she is now so clean, she won’t have to wash herself again until she’s at least one year old. Still, all you other cats and kittens out there, I would highly advise you to use your sandpaper tongue for cleaning and leave the washers and dryers to humans.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial Day 2010

On this Memorial Day weekend, amid all the shopping and BBQs and general mayhem, let’s all take a few moments to remember the humans who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect and defend the way of life we hold so dear. I wish there were no wars, but I give wholehearted thanks to the men and women who fought and died in them on our behalf.

And while we’re at it, let’s use this opportunity to remember all the wonderful kitties that graced us with their presence and have now gone to the Rainbow Bridge. Thank you for all the years of joy you gave us, and thank you for enriching our lives with your unconditional love. We’ll never forget you.

And lastly, Memorial Day weekend falls right in the middle of kitten season, so if you have room in your home, why not think about adopting a member of the next generation of cats. These new-to-the-world kittens are ready and waiting to warm our hearts with boundless joy, and by doing so, will become the beloved cats we’ll cherish and remember on Memorial Day weekends in the distant future. After all, isn’t that what Memorial Day is all about?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Say Hello to My Little Friends

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, the newly-released sequel to The World Is Your Litter Box, marks the literary debut of my two housemates and kitty compadres, Bo Diddley and Piglet. Both cats, who are brothers, were adopted from a pet rescue organization shortly after the ill-advised-but-hilarious “Babysitting Guest Kittens” episode described in the new book. At first, I was more than a little perturbed by their presence, but I quickly came to realize that living in a multiple cat household has certain distinct advantages when dealing with the humans (as you will also see in the new book). That's Pig in the top photo, and B.D. , with his personal copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, in the bottom photo.

Bo Diddley, or B.D. for short, is a plus-size cat like me, and is a gentle, loving soul with nary a mean bone in his body. B.D. loves nothing more than to sit in Steve’s lap, receive petting, and purr at 120 decibels. Somewhere, there’s a kitty that was born at exactly the same time as B.D. who is not as sweet as he should have been because B.D. got an extra dose of sweetness. Piglet, or Pig as we call him, was clearly the runt of the litter and is a little wanting in the grooming department (hence his nickname, Pig). Pig is a scrappy little guy – sort of like James Cagney might have been if James Cagney had been a cat – and as such, he makes frequent (and futile) challenges to my alpha maleness. Although this forces me to take up paws against him, I can’t help but like the little guy and admire his spunk.

Anyway, you’ll find out much more about B.D., Pig, and our collective antics in The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for our first communal nap of the day.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box - Now Available!


The wait is over! My new book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, is finally available for purchase from all the major on-line booksellers, including Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also ask your favorite bookstore to order a copy for you if they don’t have it on the shelf. The book is available in both softcover and eBook formats.

If you’re one of the millions – well, okay, thousands – of cats and cat lovers who enjoyed The World Is Your Litter Box, then you’re in for a real treat with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Like its predecessor, the new book is loaded with wit and wisdom from yours truly to help make a cat’s life even more pleasant, enjoyable and entertaining than it already is. Yes, with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, I’ve held nothing back and pushed the envelope of cat humor to unheard of new extremes. In other words, get ready to laugh your tail off!

In conjunction with the release of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, we’ve revamped the official The World Is Your Litter Box website to include information about the new book, excerpts, and lots of other fun cat stuff. Drop by and check it out. We’ve also created an official fan page on Facebook, and of course, you can follow my daily musings on Twitter.

Anyway, fellow cat, I hope you enjoy reading The World Is STILL Your Litter Box as much as I enjoyed writing it and Steve (my human) enjoyed typing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll celebrate the release of my second book by taking a long, well-deserved nap.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Oil Spill and How You Can Help

The devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which occurred as the result of an oil rig explosion late last month, has already caused untold ecological damage and is threatening to become an even greater disaster. As of this writing, crude oil continues to pour into the Gulf unabated, and at an alarming rate.

In an effort to contain the leak, humans have towed a four-story concrete-and-steel box out to the location where the oil rig used to be. This giant contraption is to be lowered down to the seabed, where it will hopefully cover the leaking pipe. At that point, in theory, the leaking oil can be pumped up to a tanker. I’m not really sure of all the fine points as to how this is supposed to resolve the situation, but let’s hope it works.

Meanwhile, here’s a way for all us creatures with fur and/or hair to help out. Actually, I read about this on The Cat’s Meow blog yesterday and it’s a great idea. It seems that fur and human hair can be used to make booms that absorb oil, and there’s an environmental organization, Excess Access, that has all this figured out. Right now, they’re collecting excess fur, hair and nylons that can be used to make booms and help contain the oil spill. So during this shedding season, you can put your excess fur to good use (instead of ingesting it and kacking it back up).

For more information, please visit the Excess Access website. Hey, every little bit helps!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Animal Cruelty and the Supreme Court


As you know, I normally try to keep my posts fairly light and humorous, but there’s nothing light or humorous about this: last Tuesday, by a vote of 8-1, the United States Supreme Court determined that videos depicting cruelty to animals, including heinous and despicable “crush videos,” merit free speech protection under the First Amendment of the Constitution.

As a cat, I feel sick to my stomach, nor only for members of my own species, but for all animals that might be subject to cruelty merely to satisfy human pleasures. .. or for any other reason. Have humans completely lost their hearts as well as their minds?

I completely understand the need to protect free speech, but where do humans draw the line? Does this mean its okay to yell “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater or make violent threats against someone? If not, then why should sickos be allowed to make videos that show kittens and other small animals being crushed by hollow-headed bimbos in high heels?

Since its apparently okay to say or do just about anything, I’m going to express my right to free speech and state that anyone involved in making videos where animals are hurt, tortured or killed should bear the full karmic weight of their actions. And to the young women who participate in on-camera cruelty to animals, I hope the frightened faces and anguished sounds of these poor, defenseless creatures haunt you to your dying day.

Sorry to be so intense about all this, but cruelty to animals should not be tolerated by anyone for any reason.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Update: The World Is STILL Your Litter Box


The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, my long-awaited follow-up to The World Is Your Litter Box, has entered the production phase. In other words, barring any unexpected human foibles, the book is on schedule for release toward the end of May. VERY exciting! The new book contains the same edgy, meow-out-loud humor that has made The World Is Your Litter Box a cat cult classic. Here are just some of the chapters:
  • How to Tell If Your Human Is a True Cat Nut
  • How to Live with Multiple Cats & Alpha Males
  • Ways to Annoy Your Human Just for Fun
  • What to Do If Your Human Puts You On a Diet
  • Things to Do (And Not to Do) When You're Buzzed On Catnip
  • How to Make Sure Your Human Keeps Your Litter Box Clean
  • Flummoxing Enigmas for Cats

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will be available in both softcover and ebook formats. And if I may say so myself, it's just as funny (if not funnier) than its predecessor. Get ready to laugh your hind end off!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Daylight Savings Time

Well, fellow cats, spring is almost here, and with it comes daylight savings time. Yes, that’s right… it’s that oh-so-discombobulating time of year when humans set their clocks forward one hour to make the sunny part of the day longer. How setting clocks forward one hour affects the astral relationship between the sun and the Earth is beyond me, but I’ll leave that one for greater minds to figure out. All I know is, setting clocks back and forth is VERY confusing and messes everything (and everyone) up.

But, there’s a silver lining to all this! The advent of daylight savings time allows me to present an advance excerpt from my forthcoming book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, which will be out toward the end of May. Here’s the “Daylight Savings Section” of the chapter entitled “Confusing Enigmas for Cats.”

Daylight Savings Time: Here’s one that even humans find to be a cause of consternation and falls into the category of “Why do they do it to themselves?” In order to save energy or whatever, humans have come up with something called daylight savings time, which requires them to set their clocks forward one hour in the spring and one hour back in the fall. This is especially inconvenient in the modern age, when most households have at least 86 devices with digital clocks that are highly complicated to reset. Anyway, in the spring, as a result of this ill-conceived idea, 7:00 a.m. becomes 8:00 a.m., and in the fall, 7:00 a.m. becomes 6:00 a.m. I know, it’s TOTALLY confusing. It bollixes up natural sleep patterns, and for the two or three days it takes to adjust to the time change, everyone is inordinately cranky (me included). Unfortunately for humans, our internal kitty clocks are not quite so easily resettable. Therefore, in the spring, we wake our humans one hour later, and in the fall, we wake them one hour earlier. Hey, if humans wouldn’t monkey around with the natural order of things, none of this would happen, so they have only themselves to blame.

Anyway, fellow cats, don’t forget to remind your human to set their clocks forward one hour this Sunday. And think of the joy you’ll have waking them up at your normal time, which will, in fact, be one hour earlier. Oh how I love human foibles!