Sunday, December 28, 2008
New Years Eve: For some reason, many humans like to begin the new year by celebrating wildly, drinking to excess, and throwing up (and they call us animals!). At midnight, these well-oiled pagans yell “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” hug and kiss other humans they normally hate, then sing “Old Lang Syne” and get all blubbery. This is a holiday that does not hold a lot of promise for cats. Most likely your house will be filled with loud, obnoxious strangers and you will have to seek refuge in one of your favorite hiding places. However, there are a couple benefits. First of all, when humans have parties, their guests often leave their coats on the bed in a darkened bedroom. This provides you with an excellent opportunity to sleep on different clothing (and to leave cat hair all over it and teach the intruders a lesson for disturbing YOUR peace and quiet). The best part of New Years Eve, however, is when all the revelers finally go home. In most cases, your human will be too tired (or too wasted) to clean up the mess. When they finally noodle out, the remaining food and debris is YOURS FOR THE TAKING. Because your human will probably sleep soundly for hours, you can eat as much as you want and play among the ruins to your heart’s content. Sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll!
NOTE #1: If you come across a bottle with a small amount of liquid still inside... go ahead and taste it, but DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. One New Years Eve, I knocked over and drank about a third of a bottle of beer and, oooooh wheeee, it really twisted my head around. I must admit, fellow celebrant, that I got a little goofy my own self. Ultimately, I ended up falling asleep and missing most of the fun. So be careful what you drink. And before you “party hearty, appoint a designated kitty.
NOTE #2: Because humans tend to become a little wobbly when they drink, be sure to stay out of their way to avoid being stepped on, or crushed if they pass out and tip over. Also, for you outdoor cats, stay away from the street where reckless and sometimes drunk drivers abound.
Along with Steve and his female, I want to wish you and yours all the very best in 2009!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!
Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.
But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?
Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!
It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.
Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, its usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.
NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.
NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.
Along with Steve and his female, I want to wish everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
- It’s the hippest, coolest cat book out this year (if I don’t say so myself!)
- It doesn’t require any complicated assembly
- It weighs only four ounces, so it’s cheap to ship
- It won’t break or fall apart on Christmas morning
- It won’t have to be returned because it doesn’t fit right
- It makes a much nicer gift than argyle socks
- It’s easy to wrap
- It’s more edible than tinsel
- It’s WAY cheaper than a plasma TV
- It’s VERY funny, and I think we can all use some good laughs right about now
So why not make it easy on yourself this year? The perfect holiday gift for cat lovers is only a bookstore away (or, if you prefer, a few clicks on Amazon.com). Ho-ho-ho!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Fortunately for everyone involved, primarily Santa and Benny, everything seems to be working out okay. Benny’s owner provided assurances that Benny has had all his vaccines and Santa said that he did not want anything to happen to Benny. However, unless Benny’s owner produces his vaccination records, Santa will have to undergo a series of rabies shots. Ouchie! Let’s hope that doesn’t have to happen.
So, fellow cat, the moral of this story is that if your human takes you to have your photo taken with Santa, biting or scratching ‘ole St. Nick is probably not the best way to show him that you’ve been a good little girl or boy. And Benny, I probably wouldn’t count on Santa coming through with that new mechanized litter box you want for Christmas this year.
Monday, December 8, 2008
It seems that at some point during the campaign, Obama promised his daughters that they could get a dog if he won the election and they moved into the White House. Now that’s all fine and good, and dogs do make good pets, but I DEMAND that cats get equal time! Sure, a kitty might claw up the furniture in the oval office, mangle important documents on the president’s desk, get cat hair on the clothing of important world leaders, or walk across the console in the communications room and inadvertently sever diplomatic relations with France, Great Britain and Chad… but hey, these are minor things that certainly should not disqualify one of our feline brethren from becoming a pet for the Obama girls.
So, Mr. President-Elect, even though you’ve got your hands full with the economy and what-not, how about taking a few moments out to consider the possibility of a cat in the White House. As a good American, I would even be happy to donate a copy of The World Is Your Litter Box so the presidential kitty would know exactly what to do to make their life (and yours) even more pleasant and enjoyable!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
As I’m sure you know, Black Friday was marred by complete human madness that included the death of a Wal-Mart employee who was trampled by frenzied shoppers, and a shootout at a Toys-R-Us in California that left a couple shoppers dead. This proves, once again, that cats are WAY SMARTER than people. A cat would NEVER go shopping on Black Friday, much less participate in gunplay or a rampage where other humans are trampled to death (although, in all honesty, I must say that if we cats had opposable thumbs, we probably WOULD exchange gunfire from time to time).
At any rate, please tell your human to be cool and stay frosty this holiday season. There’s plenty of time to shop, and there’s no need to trample or shoot anyone to get to that copy of The World Is Your Litter Box you’re planning to buy as a holiday gift for the cat lover in your life. Yes I know, another cheap plug for my book, but we’ve got to get in those holiday promos while we can… and at least we’re not subjecting you to nauseating Johnny Mathis Christmas music!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Now, having said all that, I would like you to remind your human that in the midst of their shopping frenzy, they should NOT forget about my book, The World Is Your Litter Box. Yes, what would Black Friday be without a crass, shameless plug from ‘ole Quaz! The World Is Your Litter Box is the perfect holiday gift for cat lovers (and for you)… and, at the recession-friendly price of just $9.95, it’s a perfect stocking stuffer.
So happy Black Friday everyone! Let the holidays begin!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Here’s a little Thanksgiving missive from a cat’s perspective… from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger) chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…
Thanksgiving: A good holiday for cats, even if it’s not so good for turkeys. At Thanksgiving, human families get together to gorge themselves and good feeling is in the air (as are an abundance of good cooking smells!) In most households with male and female humans, the male usually spends the day watching football on TV while the female toils in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to providing engrossing tension and lively, entertaining arguments, this situation will afford you a good lap to sleep in, unless your male human becomes over-exuberant and spills beer on you, and plenty of interesting activity in the kitchen. Once the table is set, you might want to jump up there and make sure all the silverware, plates, and glasses are properly arranged. And when dinner is finally served, be sure to go from person to person looking as cute (and hungry) as possible. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving turkey. Yum! Then, when dinner is over and everyone is sated beyond the point of decency, including you, you can go into the bedroom and have a nice snooze on everyone’s coats, just like on New Years Eve and other holidays during cold seasons. Yes, there is much to be thankful for.
Along with Steve and Judy (my humans), I want to wish everyone - cat, human and otherwise - a very safe and happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
And many thanks to those of you who have sent in photos for the “Photos of Cat Readers” page of the official The World Is Your Litter Box website… but we want MORE, MORE, MORE! If you bought The World Is Your Litter Box, (or if you intend to... it would make a great holiday gift for the cat lover in your life!), simply take a photo of your cat (or cats) posed with their copy of the book and send it to the email address shown on the “Photos of Cat Readers” page of the website. Be sure and tell us the names of any and all cats in the photo and the city where you live. We look forward to adding your kitty to the site!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Here is the room-by-room collateral damage report for the week Steve and his female were having fun in Par-ee. Needless to say, I had to do most of this on the last day so my pet sitter wouldn’t clean up my handiwork:
- All accessible cabinets opened and investigated
- Bag of flour opened and spread around floor
- Bag of pasta opened and spread around floor
- Roll of paper towels unraveled and shredded
- Kacked-up hairball on counter near stove
- Excessive cat hair on everythin
- Arm of couch mercilessly shredded
- Chew marks on leaves of all accessible plants
- Dirt from accessible plants flung onto carpet
- Favorite paper bag shredded (I was tired of it anyway)
- Kacked-up hairball on coffee table
- Excessive cat hair on everything
- Roll of toilet paper shredded into microscopic-sized pieces
- Litter from litter box excavated and flung onto floor
- Hand towels pulled down into litter box
- All items on counter knocked over and/or batted around
- Kacked-up hairball in bathtub
- Excessive cat hair on everything
- Ridiculous number of pillows on bed disrupted and/or pushed onto floor
- All items on female’s dressing table knocked over and/or batted around
- Sliding closet doors opened and contents thrashed (wherever possible)
- Lamps on bed stands tipped over
- Kacked-up hairball on bedspread
- Excessive cat hair on everything
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Now, if I were a more magnanimous creature (in other words, not a cat), I would be happy for them. But while Steve and his female are enjoying themselves in the city of l’amour, I’ll be HOME ALONE with no one to care for me but my pet sitter. Boo-hoo-hoo, you say? Well imagine being left on YOUR OWN for eight full days and nights. Sure, I’ll be napping most of that time, but that’s not the point! With my humans gone, I won’t be able to get EXACTLY what I want EXACTLY when I want it! And, needless to say, I won’t be blogging or doing any other writing for a week, being that my typist, Steve, will be in dispose.
But, being the bigger cat, I’m putting my own selfish concerns aside to wish Steve and his female bon voyage… but don’t think there won’t be a VERY HIGH DEGREE of collateral kitty damage around the household to teach them a lesson for leaving me alone while they gallivant around Paree. Mon Dieu!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
All kidding aside though, this is a VERY important election for humans, cats, and all other living things, Planet Earth included… so if your human has not already voted, tell them to get up off their lazy you-know-what and get down to their polling place. Too much is at stake for any human to sit on the sidelines this time around.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
But Quasi, you ask, how does this daylight savings thing affect us cats? Well, as you know, all felines have internal kitty alarm clocks, but our clocks are not really sophisticated enough to be turned back and forward on a moment’s notice. We require a period of adjustment, and during that period of adjustment, our humans MUST PAY for their folly. For example, let’s say you wake your human at 7:00 each morning. When clocks are turned back one hour, as they will be on Sunday, 7:00 AM becomes 6:00 AM… so, until your kitty clock resets, your human will be awakened at 6:00 AM, or, what used to be 7:00 AM. I know, confusing, huh? Oh, well.
At any rate, make sure your human sets all their clocks back before they go to bed on Saturday, or when they wake up on Sunday. Hey, one positive thing (for you, anyway) is that you’ll get your breakfast an hour earlier!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Halloween: A holiday fraught with both fun and danger. Halloween is a time when little humans, and some big ones, dress up in strange costumes, some of which are pretty scary. Usually, the little ones will go out trick-or-treating (whatever that is) and come home with bags full of teeth-rotting candy. This will provide you with a fine new source of diversion as you investigate the bag and remove anything that looks interesting... or edible. Another fun thing about Halloween is the pumpkins, which are carved up by humans to have scary or comical faces. When I was a kitten, I quite enjoyed climbing inside pumpkins for a look-see. However, with my massive expanse, I can no longer do so (oh the curse of aging). Also, if you are a black cat, this holiday’s for you. For some reason, many humans consider it bad luck if a black cat walks in front of them. So, if you are of the ebony persuasion, you can have extra fun by bedeviling those who are blatantly superstitious.
Now, on the danger side, there are a couple things to watch out for. First of all, there's the scariness aspect. Halloween is a time when humans like to frighten each other by making scary sounds, watching scary movies, and wearing horrifying things such as George W. Bush masks. To a cat, needless to say, some of these things are hair-raising to the nth degree. Therefore, it’s often best to find a good place to hide and stay out of your human's way until their sanity returns. Also, if you are an outdoor cat, STAY INSIDE AFTER DARK. At night, dozens of humans are out on the street, trick-or-treating and acting especially goofy. Some teenage male humans see Halloween as a time to pull off pranks such as toilet papering their girlfriends’ homes, which is actually quite delightful. However, some of their antics are much more dangerous and sinister. As with the Fourth of July, there are some heartless, misguided humans who will torment cats for their own amusement. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
NOTE #1: Investigate bags of trick-or-treat candy all you want. But DON’T EAT TOO MUCH! In large quantities, candy will cause tooth decay and make you sick, possibly necessitating a trip to the vet (talk about scary).
NOTE #2: Some humans put candles inside their pumpkins and light them. If you are a kitten, or small enough to investigate the inside of a pumpkin, make sure the candle is out before you go in. Even though flickering flames are attractive and interesting, they will burn you if you get too close. Ouch!
Here's wishing you a fun (and safe) Halloween!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
If you bought The World Is Your Litter Box, or if you intend to (hint hint), this is your chance to immortalize your beloved kitty in cyberspace and show the world how well-read and erudite they truly are.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Now I don’t pretend to understand any of this economic mumbo-jumbo, and truth be told, I don’t think too many humans do either. Quite frankly, it just sounds like something else humans have screwed up in their quest to acquire more of those filthy green papers.
But how does this affect us cats, you ask, and what can I do to help?
Well, the first thing is… don’t panic. Even though your human may be gulping calmative pharmaceuticals like candy, you should remain cool and calm regardless of the situation. In these turbulent economic times, your human will be looking to you for comfort and tranquility, so unless they try to save money by skimping on your food or some other human tomfoolery like that, you might want to cut them some slack for the duration. In other words, put some of the kitty antics on hold for awhile and be extra nice to them. And even more important, especially with Christmas season approaching, don’t let them deny you your copy of The World Is Your Litter Box, which is priced at the ridiculously low, recession-friendly, economy-collapsing price of $9.95. Hey, so what if humans are eating their shoes… I need to sell some books here!
Lastly, don’t forget… as FDR said during the Great Depression, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself… and maybe large, mean dogs.” (I added that last part myself.)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Now, from what I understand (I checked it out on Web MD.com), a colonoscopy involves shoving a little camera up the ol’ wazoo for a look-see. Of course, before they do that, they have to clean you out with enemas, which sounds VERY unpleasant. In other words, Bo Diddley (or B.D. as we cats in the neighborhood call him) was subjected to two days of kitty Abu Ghraib-type treatment at the hands of a few “bad apple” veterinarians.
Well, the good news is, they didn’t find anything seriously wrong with B.D. The bad news (for B.D.’s humans) is that it cost them hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of green papers with pictures of former federal employees, and B.D. shunned them for ONE COMPLETE DAY for putting him through such an onerous ordeal.
The only thing I can say to B.D. is I’m glad it was you and not me!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Anyway, late one afternoon, Smokey went over the backyard fence and must have gotten confused or something, because he couldn’t find his way home. Ellen and Maxie were frantic, and despite an intensive search for Smokey over the next few days, he failed to appear. Steve and his female went over and walked the neighborhood looking for Smokey, but no luck. Ellen put up “missing cat” flyers, but the weeks passed with no sign of Smokey. Needless to say, we were all devastated. Anyone who has ever lost a kitty knows exactly what I mean.
Well, just when everyone was starting to accept the reality that Smokey might be gone for good, Ellen got a phone call from a neighbor lady a block away, who had seen one of the flyers and recognized Smokey as a kitty who had been hanging around the area. Ellen went over and sure enough, there was Smokey, a bit thinner, but otherwise, none the worse for wear.
So this story has a happy ending. Smokey is back home safe and sound and even more loving than ever (nothing like a few weeks in survival mode to make you appreciate your humans!). We’re all extremely touched by this little miracle and overjoyed to have him back.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Around five years ago, some spoilsports at the U.S. Department of Agriculture tried to have the cats removed, saying that the museum lacked a property animal exhibition license and couldn’t qualify for one because the cats were not enclosed. Well, to make a long story short (notice how I slipped that literary reference in there), the museum finally reached an agreement with the government… and all of Snowball’s descendants, most of whom also have six toes, will be allowed to stay and roam the grounds to their kitty hearts’ delight.
I’m quite sure Ernest Hemingway and Snowball are smiling down from the Rainbow Bridge right now!
Monday, September 22, 2008
If you live elsewhere and bought The World Is Your Litter Box, you can get a free bookplate, signed by Steve and stamped by me. Just let us know how you want the bookplate made out and where to send it (a snail mail address, please). Email your request to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you buy a copy of Litter Box for a friend, we’ll be happy to autograph a bookplate for them as well!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
In the upscale Tuscany Hills neighborhood in the foothills of Lake Elsinore, California, a family of bobcats moved has into an empty luxury house that was foreclosed on and made themselves right at home. The family, which consists of at least two adults and three bobcat kittens, appears to be enjoying their new digs… there’s even a koi pond in the backyard for tasty snacks. Yum! And best of all, the neighbors don’t seem to mind the new tenants, so the bobcats are safe from overzealous, gun-totin’ humans that might have other ideas.
Animal experts predict the bobcats will move on when the kittens are big enough to travel, but right now, the family has no immediate plans to leave... and, hey, can you blame them? Talk about pouncing on a good deal!
I wonder if they’ve figured out how to call Domino’s yet?
Monday, September 15, 2008
I know from reading Daisy’s blog that Pixie loved bananas (that’s her in the photo)… so in honor of Pixie, I’m going to eat ONE ENTIRE BANANA, even if it takes me all day!
Nap in Peace, Pixie.
Quasi, Steve and Judy (Steve’s Female)
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Now let me say this…as a cat, I can’t vote, but I find even the SUGGESTION of book banning to be VERY disturbing. Suppose you went to your local library to check out The World Is Your Litter Box and found that some misguided dog lover in a position of authority had caused it to be banned. Regardless of your political affiliation or who you intend to vote for on November 4th, you’ve got to admit that the possibility of having a would-be book banner a heartbeat away from the presidency is more than a little scary.
I would also like to remind Ms. Palin and all other potential book banners that freedom of speech is expressly protected in the First Amendment, which is part of the Bill of Rights in the United States Constitution.
But, hey… I’m just a cat. What do I know?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Now, let me just say that yes, Steve is being a very good husband, and yes, the female does require some extra care at the moment. However, all this hoop-de-doo is highly problematic in that it takes attention away from MOI! Hey, over the last few days, I’ve had MINIMAL CUDDLING, almost NO TUMMY RUBS, and a couple times, I’ve actually had to wait an extra ten minutes for my food! Some hypersensitive humans might think I’m coming off like a snotty, spoiled brat, but you cats know what I’m talking about.
To combat this situation and get things back on track, I’ve actually been giving the female a little extra attention myself. But Quasi, you ask, isn’t this just fanning the flames and making matters worse? No, fellow cat, for you see… the sooner the female gets better, the sooner things will get back to the way they should be, and I will, once again, get all the attention I so richly and rightfully deserve!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
While I’m extremely flattered by this effort, I must earnestly and respectfully say NO WAY! Here are just a few of the reasons why I would NEVER want to be president:
- It would be WAY too much work
- It would require me to deal with unpleasant humans
- It would require me to make boring, longwinded speeches
- It would require me to leave Burbank CA and move to Washington, DC
- It would be too hard to hide from the Secret Service
- It would disrupt my napping schedule
So, thanks but no thanks. I’ll leave the presidential campaign to the human candidates and my kitty friends in the blogosphere who have already tossed their proverbial hats into the ring. May the best man (or cat) win!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
As always when these types of natural disasters occur, animal rescue organizations step in and help cats and other animals that might be otherwise ignored. If you have a few extra bucks, you might want to consider a donation to the animal rescue organization of your choice to help them defray their costs. A list of excellent animal rights organizations can be found on the “Links” page of my website.
Meanwhile, here’s hoping all the kitties in Florida dry out and lick themselves clean as quickly as possible.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Anyway, we’ve had a lot of Olympics watching around our household, mainly because the female is really into it (although Steve secretly enjoys watching the girl gymnasts and the women’s beach volleyball tournaments). And even though I can’t wait for the Olympics to end, I send hearty cat-gratulations to all the athletes who are participating, regardless of whether they win or fall a bit short.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I have received several emails asking where The World Is Your Litter Box can be purchased. It's available pretty much everywhere, but your best bet is probably Barnes & Noble or Amazon. com.
And lastly, heartfelt thanks to those of you who have already read The World Is Your Litter Box and let me know how much you enjoyed it. As an author cat, it makes me feel like purring!
Friday, August 8, 2008
All you intellectual cats and humans know the Algonquin as the site of Dorothy Parker’s famous Round Table literary luncheons in the 1920s. I personally attended several myself when I was Robert Benchley in a previous life. The fashion show was held in the very dinning room where the Round Table luncheons occurred.
Matilda, shown in the photo above, is the ninth house cat at the Algonquin. The kitty tradition began in the 1930s with Hamlet, a bedraggled stray found by actor John Barrymore. And hey, Matilda… next time I’m in New York, I’ll stop by and we can claw up a chair in the Oak Room together.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Paula is still deciding on a name for her new kitty. One of the possibilities is “Stevie,” which Steve thinks is pretty cool (obviously), but if you want to weigh in with a suggestion, I’ll make sure to pass it along. Meanwhile, please join me in welcoming Paula’s new kitty and wishing her many years of purrs, tummy rubs, and best of all, long naps in the sun.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Check it out on itunes:
Here’s the complete list of songs:
Put Your Cat Clothes On – Carl Perkins
What’s New Pussycat – Tom Jones
Litterbox Boogie – Laurel Canyon Animal Company
Black Cat – Janet Jackson
Stray Cat Strut – Stray Cats
Do The Hairball – The Mopes
Leave My Kitten Alone – Little Willie John
Stray Cat Blues – Rolling Stones
Carol of the Meows – Guster
I Love My Cat’s Meow – Donnie Barren
Pink Pussycat – Devo
Hairball or Puke – Budda Bang
Swing Sweet Pussycat – Atomic Fireballs
Year of the Cat – Al Stewart
When Kitty Eyes Are Smiling – Marc Gunn
Monday, July 28, 2008
On Friday, in Brecksville, Ohio, a kitten was rescued from an 8-inch PVC drain pipe by a team of good Samaritans from Roto Rooter. The two Roto Rooter guys who orchestrated the rescue effort, Larry Ozanick and Michael Zenker, used a drain snake equipped with a camera to keep an eye on the hapless kitty while a crew of five or six humans attempted to reach it. Six hours later… success! The kitten was taken to a vet, checked out, and found to be just fine, although a bit dirty and smelly from being in a drain pipe for so long. Larry immediately adopted the kitty and named him (appropriately enough) Roto.
So here's a big paws up to Larry, Michael, and the entire Roto Rooter team in Brecksville. Nice going, humans! And to little Roto, a word of advice… stay out of drain pipes!
Friday, July 25, 2008
The candidates are:
- Barack Obama
- John McCain
- Hello Kitty
- Elizabeth II, Queen of England
- Mick Jagger
- No One
Sunday, July 20, 2008
One thing about Steve, though… he’s getting a little cocky doing all these book signings. In fact, on posters promoting the gift show event, he was referred to as the AUTHOR of The World Is Your Litter Box… can you believe it? Harummmph! Clearly, I had to correct THAT situation toot suite! So, with the use of my extraordinary kitty telepathic powers, I ordered him to say, as he signed each book... “Actually, Quasi is the REAL author of the book. I just typed what he told me to write.”
Anyway, you can expect to start seeing The World Is Your Litter Box at gift-type shops in your area in addition to normal bookstores. And if you go into a store and they DON’T have the book, give them a good, juicy hiss for me!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Now right about here you’re probably thinking, “Geez, Quasi, this all sounds pretty scary. What can I do to help my human through these troubled times?” Well, fellow cat, probably the best thing you can do is provide your human with comfort and solace (as only a kitty can). Just make sure they don’t try to save money by skimping on your food. And even more important, don’t let them deny you your copy of The World Is Your Litter Box, which is priced at the ridiculously low, recession-friendly price of $9.95. (Yes, desperate times call for desperately-cheap plugs for my book!).
And don’t forget… as FDR said during the Great Depression, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and maybe large, mean dogs.”
Monday, July 14, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Now, if you want to see some REAL spam, check this out… this is actual text (with my comments in parenthesis and italics) that was sent to me on MySpace:
“I really feel shy, but I have to tell you, Quasi, that you are the man of my dreams…” (Well, that’s really nice to hear except for one minor thing… I’m a cat!)
“…I want to find a man who will help me realize all my fantasies…. I mean my sexy fantasies!” (I don’t think I can help you with your “sexy” fantasies... I no longer have my cojones.)
“… your photos are marvelous, but I’m sure in your real life, you will excite me even more!” (You're right… if you find sleeping 20 hours a day exciting.)
“…I’m from Burbank, California, United States too!” (You forgot to add Northern Hemisphere, Planet Earth, Milky Way.)
“… you can find my spicy photos at my profile!” (The only spicy thing I’m interested in is maybe a little Tabasco sauce on my Kitty Stew.)
So there you have it, fellow cat… pure, unadulterated spam that’s not exactly family fare… unlike the “spam” for my book, which is wholesome, humorous and educational.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Rest in peace, John. You will be missed.
Steve, Judy & Quasi
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
“4th of July: The birthday of America with lots of patriotic razzle-dazzle, but not a good holiday for cats. Most Americans celebrate the 4th with backyard barbeques that fill the air with noxious, cloying smoke (Fools! Do they think global warming is a myth?) Then when it gets dark, after gorging themselves and drinking copious amounts of beer, they go and watch explosions in the sky. While some of these explosions are quite pretty (and quite psychedelic if you’ve been sniffing catnip), they are loud and VERY SCARY. Apart from seeing homes festooned with American flags and hearing off-key versions of the Star Spangled Banner played by horrible high school bands, and the possibility of eating leftover BBQ, there is not much for a cat to look forward to on the 4th of July except the return of sanity on the 5th. NOTE: The 4th of July is a time you outdoor cats should stay inside. Believe it or not, some twisted humans will actually go out of their way to torment cats with fireworks. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
Here’s wishing everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a safe, happy and fun-filled 4th of July!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Oh, the joy of rolling from one “sausage” cylinder to the next! Plus, because of its length, I can grab one end of "The Sausage" and rub it around my face while gripping the other end with my hind legs! This has GOT to be the BEST human invention yet!
Ironically, Steve and his female got “The Sausage” at a new local pet store called a la Mutt. Normally, I would eschew anything from a store with such a name, but in this case, I’m making an exception!
Friday, June 27, 2008
On the particular episode I saw (from my usual perch on the back of the couch behind Steve and the female), one family was upset because their cat was paying too much attention to their porcelain figurine collection, which took up a whole wall, but the way. Geez, what a surprise! A cat is interested in a wall of glistening, moving objects that also happen to be breakable! And then another family was concerned because when strangers come over, their cat runs and hides. Madre de Dios! Another shocker! A cat is wary of newcomers in their territory!
The underlying theme here is that these cats are just being cats… it’s the humans who have the “problems.” And personally, if the truth be told, I was hoping to see that one cat do a “bull in a china shop” thing with the porcelain figurine collection. Now THAT would have been some REAL entertainment!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Needless to say, Steve’s female thinks I should have a lion cut for the summer… she thinks I’ll look cute. Steve says I don’t need one because I’m a short-haired cat. Personally, I think I look cute enough already, and because I have short fur, a lion cut would be superfluous (although it might make me look and feel more ferocious!).
But what do YOU think? Lion cut or no lion cut? What’s your preference? Please let me know so I can help Steve and the female resolve this earthshaking dilemma in my household.