Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy New Year!

As we head into the second decade of the new Millennium, I want to extend my best kitty wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous new year. I know 2010 was pretty difficult for many humans (and their cats), so hopefully, 2011 will be a lot better. I also want to thank everyone who bought and read my two books, and I especially want to thank those of you who let us know how much they’ve enjoyed them. We really appreciate it!

And now, to start 2011 off with a few yuks, here’s the “New Years Eve” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box

New Years Eve: For some reason, many humans like to begin the new year by celebrating wildly, drinking to excess, and throwing up (and they call us animals!). At midnight, these well-oiled pagans yell “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” hug and kiss other humans they normally hate, then sing “Old Lang Syne” and get all blubbery. This is a holiday that does not hold a lot of promise for cats. Most likely your house will be filled with loud, obnoxious strangers and you will have to seek refuge in one of your favorite hiding places. However, there are a couple benefits. First of all, when humans have parties, their guests often leave their coats on the bed in a darkened bedroom. This provides you with an excellent opportunity to sleep on different clothing (and to leave cat hair all over it and teach the intruders a lesson for disturbing YOUR peace and quiet).

The best part of New Years Eve, however, is when all the revelers finally go home. In most cases, your human will be too tired (or too wasted) to clean up the mess. When they finally noodle out, the remaining food and debris is YOURS FOR THE TAKING. Because your human will probably sleep soundly for hours, you can eat as much as you want and play among the ruins to your heart’s content. Sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll!

NOTE #1: If you come across a bottle with a small amount of liquid still inside... go ahead and taste it, but DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. One New Years Eve, I knocked over and drank about a third of a bottle of beer and, oooooh wheeee, it really twisted my head around. I must admit, fellow celebrant, that I got a little goofy my own self. Ultimately, I ended up falling asleep and missing most of the fun. So be careful what you drink. And before you “party hearty, appoint a designated kitty.

NOTE #2: Because humans tend to become a little wobbly when they drink, be sure to stay out of their way to avoid being stepped on, or crushed if they pass out and tip over. Also, for you
outdoor cats, stay away from the street where reckless and sometimes drunk drivers abound.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL from Steve and his female (my humans), Piglet & Bo Diddley (my housemates), and most of all, from yours truly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holiday Greetings!!!

As the yuletide season reaches its crescendo and 2010 draws to a close, I would like to extend best my wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas holiday, and for a healthy and happy new year. It’s been a wild and wacky year, but aren’t they all?

And, for your holiday reading pleasure – and some good laughs – here’s the “Christmas” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.
And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Snowy Weather... What's It Like?

As we approach the Christmas holiday, many areas of the United States, especially the midwest and parts of the east coast, are buried under snow and experiencing extremely cold weather. Since I live in Southern California, where it never gets really cold - although we do have scary earthquakes from time to time - I can't even imagine what it must be like to deal with frigid temperatures. About the closest I've ever come is one time when I was high on catnip, I accidentally stepped in my water bowl, which had just been filled with water from the refrigerator... THAT was pretty cold. (Right about here, you kitties in cold climates are probably thinking "Pshaw, you wuss...that's nothing!).

Anyway, as a cat who has never even SEEN snow or ice (well, I have seen ice cubes), I'm very curious about what living in a winter wonderland is really like for us kitties. I'm hoping some of my feline friends who live in snowy areas can answer some of the following questions for me...

  • Does snow tickle when it falls on your nose?
  • How does snow feel when you step in it?
  • Can you see your breath when you hiss at an enemy kitty?
  • How do you get traction on an icy surface if you have to run away from a dog?
  • Can you still climb trees when they have snow on them?
  • Does your fur keep you warm enough when you go outside?
  • Can your human still get to the store to buy your food?
  • Does your tongue stick to your fur when you lick yourself?
  • How do you form snowballs with no opposable thumbs?
  • Where is all this snow going to go when it finally melts?
Here’s hoping that all cats in cold climates have a nice fireplace to sleep in front of during the day and warm humans to cuddle up with at night.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

10 Good Reasons to Buy My Books on Line and Avoid the Mall (For Men Only)

Hey human males, if you’re like Steve (my human), I’m guessing that you would rather have hydrofluoric acid splashed in your face than to have to go to a shopping mall even under the best of circumstances. And with Christmas Day fast approaching, well, let’s just say it’s not going to be pretty. From here on out guys, a trip to the mall is almost guaranteed to darken your holiday mood and make you think evil thoughts about your fellow humans.

But wait! There’s a way to avoid all this angst-fueled mayhem and ‘ole Quaz is going to tell you how. If you have a cat lover on your holiday gift list (and who doesn’t?), I’m quite certain that they would rather have copies of my books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box) than just about anything else on earth. And because the books are readily available on, you can avoid the mall altogether! Think of it! In fact, here are ten good reasons why you should order my books on-line rather than go to the mall looking for other presents for cat lovers (that won’t be nearly as cool anyway)…

  1. You can order my books from the comfort of your own home.
  2. You won’t get into a fistfight with another driver for the one remaining space in the mall parking structure.
  3. You won’t have to hear stupor-inducing Christmas music.
  4. You won’t get jostled by irritating hoards of other half-mad shoppers.
  5. You won’t have to hear babies’ cries spiking above the white noise din of the mall.
  6. You won’t have to eat ulcer-ific “food” in the food court.
  7. You won’t have to wait for your wife or girlfriend while she “just stops by a shoe department for a quick look,” but ends up trying on 739 pairs of shoes.
  8. You won’t have to deal with semi-literate temporary holiday workers who have absolutely no idea what they actually sell in the store.
  9. You won’t have to plod aimlessly through the mall searching for the “perfect” gift, which probably doesn’t exist anyway.
  10. You can order my books, then lapse into a state of bliss knowing that this holiday season, the mall will not steal your soul.

So save yourselves, brothers… order my books from Amazon and avoid the whole shebang. In fact, just thinking about going to a shopping mall makes me glad that I’m a cat (hey, going to the vet is bad enough!).

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

We Almost Moved!

This post is a little out of the ordinary for me because it pertains mainly to Steve and his female (my humans) more than it does to cats… although as a preeminent member of our family and the alpha male in the household, I’m impacted by anything that affects Steve and the female.

A couple weeks ago, Steve and his female (who is a Realtor) found a townhouse that they REALLY liked. It was in a great location, had all kinds of cool features including a private rooftop deck, and most importantly, it had appropriate space in the downstairs bathroom for a litter box. The listing agent worked in the female’s office and the female considered her to be a friend, so naturally, Steve and the female felt they had a pretty good shot at getting the place… especially after they made a full-price offer.

Not to bore you with all the gory details (which you can read about on the female’s blog), but after being led to believe they had the “inside track” on the townhouse, Steve and his female learned that the listing agent had her own buyer, and in the end (surprise, surprise), the listing agent’s buyer ended up getting the townhouse. Naturally, Steve and his female were VERY disappointed… and I didn’t get to move into a nice new place.

Steve and the female are being pretty philosophical about the whole thing, but being a cat, I’m not quite as nice or forgiving as them. So, to the listing agent, here’s a big juicy feline hiss just for you. And don’t expect any treats from me this Christmas!