HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

For your reading pleasure and enjoyment during these most scary times, here is the “Halloween” excerpt from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…

Halloween: A holiday fraught with both fun and danger. Halloween is a time when little humans, and some big ones, dress up in strange costumes, some of which are pretty scary. Usually, the little ones will go out trick-or-treating (whatever that is) and come home with bags full of teeth-rotting candy. This will provide you with a fine new source of diversion as you investigate the bag and remove anything that looks interesting... or edible. Another fun thing about Halloween is the pumpkins, which are carved up by humans to have scary or comical faces. When I was a kitten, I quite enjoyed climbing inside pumpkins for a look-see. However, with my massive expanse, I can no longer do so (oh the curse of aging). Also, if you are a black cat, this holiday’s for you. For some reason, many humans consider it bad luck if a black cat walks in front of them. So, if you are of the ebony persuasion, you can have extra fun by bedeviling those who are blatantly superstitious.

Now, on the danger side, there are a couple things to watch out for. First of all, there's the scariness aspect. Halloween is a time when humans like to frighten each other by making scary sounds, watching scary movies, and wearing horrifying things such as George W. Bush masks. To a cat, needless to say, some of these things are hair-raising to the nth degree. Therefore, it’s often best to find a good place to hide and stay out of your human's way until their sanity returns. Also, if you are an outdoor cat, STAY INSIDE AFTER DARK. At night, dozens of humans are out on the street, trick-or-treating and acting especially goofy. Some teenage male humans see Halloween as a time to pull off pranks such as toilet papering their girlfriends’ homes, which is actually quite delightful. However, some of their antics are much more dangerous and sinister. As with the Fourth of July, there are some heartless, misguided humans who will torment cats for their own amusement. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

NOTE #1: Investigate bags of trick-or-treat candy all you want. But DON’T EAT TOO MUCH! In large quantities, candy will cause tooth decay and make you sick, possibly necessitating a trip to the vet (talk about scary).

NOTE #2: Some humans put candles inside their pumpkins and light them. If you are a kitten, or small enough to investigate the inside of a pumpkin, make sure the candle is out before you go in. Even though flickering flames are attractive and interesting, they will burn you if you get too close. Ouch!

Here's wishing you a fun (and safe) Halloween!

"PHOTOS OF CAT READERS" PAGE ON THE WORLD IS YOUR LITTER BOX WEBSITE IS LIVE!

The “Photos of Cat Readers” page on the official The World Is Your Litter Box website is now live! Check it out at http://www.theworldisyourlitterbox.com/.

We've received some truly wonderful photos already and would love to include your fabulous feline in this one-of-a-kind rogue’s gallery. To participate, simply take a photo of your cat (or cats) posed with their copy of The World Is Your Litter Box and email it to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. We encourage creativity, but please don’t do anything that might harm (or embarrass) your kitty purely for the sake of art. Be sure and tell us the names of any and all cats in the photo and the city where you live. Also, please say something to the effect that its okay to use your photo on our website... hey, we can't afford any lawsuits here!

If you bought The World Is Your Litter Box, or if you intend to (hint hint), this is your chance to immortalize your beloved kitty in cyberspace and show the world how well-read and erudite they truly are.

THE TROUBLED ECONOMY

For the last few weeks, Steve and his female have spent an inordinate amount of time talking about the economy and how horrible everything is. They’ve also been watching a lot of financial news on TV, where most of the commentators look like their heads are going to explode at any minute. I keep hearing words like “Wall Street,” “Dow Jones,” “stocks,” “bailout” and “depression.” It all sounds pretty dire… almost as frightening as a trip to the vet.

Now I don’t pretend to understand any of this economic mumbo-jumbo, and truth be told, I don’t think too many humans do either. Quite frankly, it just sounds like something else humans have screwed up in their quest to acquire more of those filthy green papers.

But how does this affect us cats, you ask, and what can I do to help?

Well, the first thing is… don’t panic. Even though your human may be gulping calmative pharmaceuticals like candy, you should remain cool and calm regardless of the situation. In these turbulent economic times, your human will be looking to you for comfort and tranquility, so unless they try to save money by skimping on your food or some other human tomfoolery like that, you might want to cut them some slack for the duration. In other words, put some of the kitty antics on hold for awhile and be extra nice to them. And even more important, especially with Christmas season approaching, don’t let them deny you your copy of The World Is Your Litter Box, which is priced at the ridiculously low, recession-friendly, economy-collapsing price of $9.95. Hey, so what if humans are eating their shoes… I need to sell some books here!

Lastly, don’t forget… as FDR said during the Great Depression, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself… and maybe large, mean dogs.” (I added that last part myself.)

THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA BOOK SIGNING TOUR CONTINUES

This Saturday, October 11th, from 12:00 to 3:00 PM, Steve (my human and co-author) will be signing copies of The World Is Your Litter Box at Barnes & Noble in Huntington Beach, CA. If you live in the Southern California area and have some free time on Saturday, drop by and say hello! As usual, Shill, my robotic book-signing kitty, will be standing in for me so I can stay home and create mayhem. Barnes & Noble is located in the Bella Terra Mall, 7881 Edinger Avenue, Huntington Beach, CA. For more information, call 714-897-8781, or visit the official The World Is Your Litter Box website.

And don’t forget… if you live elsewhere and can’t make it to one of Steve’s book signings, you can order an autographed bookplate for your copy of The World Is Your Litter Box. These handsome bookplates are FREE and we’ll even pay the postage! Just tell us how you want the bookplate made out (you can include your kitties if you like) and your snail-mail address. To request a bookplate, contact quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com.

Your Friend,
Quasi

OUCHIE!

Late last week, one of my neighbor kitty friends, Bo Diddley (named after the late, great rock ‘n roller), went to a specialty vet for something called a colonoscopy. Apparently, some of his litter box deposits were not quite up to par, if you know what I mean.

Now, from what I understand (I checked it out on Web MD.com), a colonoscopy involves shoving a little camera up the ol’ wazoo for a look-see. Of course, before they do that, they have to clean you out with enemas, which sounds VERY unpleasant. In other words, Bo Diddley (or B.D. as we cats in the neighborhood call him) was subjected to two days of kitty Abu Ghraib-type treatment at the hands of a few “bad apple” veterinarians.

Well, the good news is, they didn’t find anything seriously wrong with B.D. The bad news (for B.D.’s humans) is that it cost them hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of green papers with pictures of former federal employees, and B.D. shunned them for ONE COMPLETE DAY for putting him through such an onerous ordeal.

The only thing I can say to B.D. is I’m glad it was you and not me!

SMOKEY'S NOT-SO-EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

Here’s a story about a lost kitty that could have gone horribly wrong, but instead... well, read on...

Around three weeks ago, one of my kitty pals named Smokey (shown in the photo above) went missing from his home. Smokey, who lives in Burbank with his human, Ellen, and Ellen’s daughter, Maxie, sometimes stays with us when Ellen and Maxie go out of town. He’s an excellent cat, and when we’re together, we regularly take kitty mayhem to levels seldom reached in the annals of kittydom.

Anyway, late one afternoon, Smokey went over the backyard fence and must have gotten confused or something, because he couldn’t find his way home. Ellen and Maxie were frantic, and despite an intensive search for Smokey over the next few days, he failed to appear. Steve and his female went over and walked the neighborhood looking for Smokey, but no luck. Ellen put up “missing cat” flyers, but the weeks passed with no sign of Smokey. Needless to say, we were all devastated. Anyone who has ever lost a kitty knows exactly what I mean.

Well, just when everyone was starting to accept the reality that Smokey might be gone for good, Ellen got a phone call from a neighbor lady a block away, who had seen one of the flyers and recognized Smokey as a kitty who had been hanging around the area. Ellen went over and sure enough, there was Smokey, a bit thinner, but otherwise, none the worse for wear.

So this story has a happy ending. Smokey is back home safe and sound and even more loving than ever (nothing like a few weeks in survival mode to make you appreciate your humans!). We’re all extremely touched by this little miracle and overjoyed to have him back.

THE SUN STILL RISES FOR HEMINGWAY'S CATS

As you may or may not know, Ernest Hemingway (a fellow author) was a MAJOR cat lover. In 1935, when he was living and writing in a Spanish colonial house on an island in Key West, Florida, he was given a six-toed cat named Snowball. Ultimately, his island residence became the Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum, and all of Snowball’s descendants have been allowed to roam free on the property ever since.

Around five years ago, some spoilsports at the U.S. Department of Agriculture tried to have the cats removed, saying that the museum lacked a property animal exhibition license and couldn’t qualify for one because the cats were not enclosed. Well, to make a long story short (notice how I slipped that literary reference in there), the museum finally reached an agreement with the government… and all of Snowball’s descendants, most of whom also have six toes, will be allowed to stay and roam the grounds to their kitty hearts’ delight.

I’m quite sure Ernest Hemingway and Snowball are smiling down from the Rainbow Bridge right now!

THE WORLD IS YOUR LITTER BOX - BOOK SIGNING & BOOKPLATES

From 1:00 to 5:00 PM on Saturday, September 27th, Steve will be signing copies of The World Is Your Litter Box at Barnes & Noble in Long Beach, California. As usual, Shill, our robotic book signing kitty, will be standing in for me so I don't have to disrupt my weekend napping schedule. If you live in the Southern California area and have some free time on Saturday, drop by and say hello! Barnes & Noble is located in the Marina Pacific Mall, 6326 Pacific Coast Highway, in Long Beach; 562-431-2253.

If you live elsewhere and bought The World Is Your Litter Box, you can get a free bookplate, signed by Steve and stamped by me. Just let us know how you want the bookplate made out and where to send it (a snail mail address, please). Email your request to quasi@theworldisyourlitterbox.com. If you buy a copy of Litter Box for a friend, we’ll be happy to autograph a bookplate for them as well!

Your Friend,
Quasi
http://www.theworldisyourlitterbox.com/

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Here’s a family that is not only unfazed by the ongoing mortgage crisis, they’ve actually benefited from it!

In the upscale Tuscany Hills neighborhood in the foothills of Lake Elsinore, California, a family of bobcats moved has into an empty luxury house that was foreclosed on and made themselves right at home. The family, which consists of at least two adults and three bobcat kittens, appears to be enjoying their new digs… there’s even a koi pond in the backyard for tasty snacks. Yum! And best of all, the neighbors don’t seem to mind the new tenants, so the bobcats are safe from overzealous, gun-totin’ humans that might have other ideas.

Animal experts predict the bobcats will move on when the kittens are big enough to travel, but right now, the family has no immediate plans to leave... and, hey, can you blame them? Talk about pouncing on a good deal!

I wonder if they’ve figured out how to call Domino’s yet?

GOODBYE PIXIE

Along with Steve and his female, I want to send my deepest condolences to Daisy the Curly Cat and her family… on Sunday, Daisy’s sister Pixie went to the Rainbow Bridge. It’s always so sad when a beloved kitty leaves us, but I hope Daisy and her family will take comfort in knowing that they’ll see Pixie again someday.

I know from reading Daisy’s blog that Pixie loved bananas (that’s her in the photo)… so in honor of Pixie, I’m going to eat ONE ENTIRE BANANA, even if it takes me all day!

Nap in Peace, Pixie.

Love,
Quasi, Steve and Judy (Steve’s Female)

HURRICANE IKE

Our thoughts and prayers are with everyone (cat, human and otherwise) who suffered the fury of the winds and devastating flood waters of Hurricane Ike. We hope you and your loved ones came through okay, and if not, we hope things get back to normal for you as quickly as possible.

This has been said before, but it bears repeating: In disaster situations like Hurricane Ike, animal rescue groups do wonderful work in saving and helping our four-legged friends. I know money is pretty tight these days, but if you have a little extra, you might want to make a donation to the rescue group of your choice. A list of excellent animal rights and rescue organizations may be found on the "Links" page of The World Is Your Litter Box website.

Sincerely,

Quasi, Steve and Judy (Steve's Female)

BOOK BANNING - SCARIER THAN A TRIP TO THE VET

As you may or may not know, Sarah Palin, while serving as the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, asked the local librarian how she could go about banning books that contained what some voters considered to be inappropriate language. The librarian, Mary Ellen Baker, was understandably aghast, and reports generated at the time indicate that Palin threatened to fire Baker for failing to provide full support to the mayor.

Now let me say this…as a cat, I can’t vote, but I find even the SUGGESTION of book banning to be VERY disturbing. Suppose you went to your local library to check out The World Is Your Litter Box and found that some misguided dog lover in a position of authority had caused it to be banned. Regardless of your political affiliation or who you intend to vote for on November 4th, you’ve got to admit that the possibility of having a would-be book banner a heartbeat away from the presidency is more than a little scary.

I would also like to remind Ms. Palin and all other potential book banners that freedom of speech is expressly protected in the First Amendment, which is part of the Bill of Rights in the United States Constitution.

But, hey… I’m just a cat. What do I know?

MOVE OVER, FLORENCE NIGHTENGALE!

Last Monday, Steve’s female had very minor outpatient surgery, but the way things are going around our household these days, you’d think she had a heart transplant or something. Steve is waiting on the female hand and foot and fawning over her like a mother hen. And, of course, the female is sucking it up like Cleopatra.

Now, let me just say that yes, Steve is being a very good husband, and yes, the female does require some extra care at the moment. However, all this hoop-de-doo is highly problematic in that it takes attention away from MOI! Hey, over the last few days, I’ve had MINIMAL CUDDLING, almost NO TUMMY RUBS, and a couple times, I’ve actually had to wait an extra ten minutes for my food! Some hypersensitive humans might think I’m coming off like a snotty, spoiled brat, but you cats know what I’m talking about.

To combat this situation and get things back on track, I’ve actually been giving the female a little extra attention myself. But Quasi, you ask, isn’t this just fanning the flames and making matters worse? No, fellow cat, for you see… the sooner the female gets better, the sooner things will get back to the way they should be, and I will, once again, get all the attention I so richly and rightfully deserve!

HURRICANE GUSTAV

Our deepest thoughts and prayers are with all living creatures (humans, cats and otherwise) who were in the path of Hurricane Gustav. We hope you all came through okay, and that your homes were not too severely damaged.

Your Friends,
Quasi, Steve & Judy (Steve’s Female)

QUASI FOR PRESIDENT?

What with my fame and Paris Hilton-type celebrity as the author of The World Is Your Litter Box, a grassroots movement is apparently afoot to get yours truly elected president of the United States. Check out this video:

http://www.inews3.com/play.php?first=&last=Quasi

While I’m extremely flattered by this effort, I must earnestly and respectfully say NO WAY! Here are just a few of the reasons why I would NEVER want to be president:

• It would be WAY too much work
• It would require me to deal with unpleasant humans
• It would require me to make boring, longwinded speeches
• It would require me to leave Burbank CA and move to Washington, DC
• It would be too hard to hide from the Secret Service
• It would disrupt my napping schedule

So, thanks but no thanks. I’ll leave the presidential campaign to the human candidates and my kitty friends in the blogosphere who have already tossed their proverbial hats into the ring. May the best man (or cat) win!

A SOGGY MESS IN FLORIDA

I want to extend positive thoughts and best wishes to all the cats (and their families) in Florida who got flooded out, soaked, and/or otherwise inconvenienced in Tropical Storm Fay. Even though Fay never reached hurricane strength, it apparently created quite a mess as it zigzagged across the state. I hope all our friends in Florida are okay.

As always when these types of natural disasters occur, animal rescue organizations step in and help cats and other animals that might be otherwise ignored. If you have a few extra bucks, you might want to consider a donation to the animal rescue organization of your choice to help them defray their costs. A list of excellent animal rights organizations can be found on the “Links” page of my website.

Meanwhile, here’s hoping all the kitties in Florida dry out and lick themselves clean as quickly as possible.

QUASI'S OLYMPICS RANT

Are you as tired of the Olympics as I am? Sure the Olympics promote good will among nations and feature incredible feats of athletic derring-do, but ENOUGH ALREADY! If I see any more footage of that tall human swimming dude that looks like a vampire, I’m going to toss my cat chow. And yes, those female human gymnasts are pretty amazing, but let’s face it…they’re not doing anything that a kitty hopped up on catnip couldn’t do. And some of those humans participating in marathon-type events look so exhausted they make ME want to take a nap. And lastly, how has Bob Costas managed to look like he’s 19 years old for the last 50 years?

Anyway, we’ve had a lot of Olympics watching around our household, mainly because the female is really into it (although Steve secretly enjoys watching the girl gymnasts and the women’s beach volleyball tournaments). And even though I can’t wait for the Olympics to end, I send hearty cat-gratulations to all the athletes who are participating, regardless of whether they win or fall a bit short.

A GOOD (AND FUNNY) READ FOR THE "DOG" DAYS OF SUMMER

With the “dog” days of summer upon us, you’re probably looking for a good book to read while you’re lounging by the pool or tanning up on the beach like the kitty in the photo. Might I humbly suggest The World Is Your Litter Box? It’s light and funny so it won’t depress you like all those other books about the horrible state of the world, it’s chic and ultra-hip so you can impress your friends with your excellent taste in literature, and it only weighs four ounces so you won’t strain yourself carrying it to your favorite reading spot. What could be better!

I have received several emails asking where The World Is Your Litter Box can be purchased. It's available pretty much everywhere, but your best bet is probably Barnes & Noble or Amazon. com.

And lastly, heartfelt thanks to those of you who have already read The World Is Your Litter Box and let me know how much you enjoyed it. As an author cat, it makes me feel like purring!

KITTY FASHION SHOW AT THE ALGONQUIN

The historic Algonquin Hotel in New York City was the site of another very historic event on Thursday…a feline fashion show with actual cats instead of pouty, anorexic human models. The show was held in honor of Matilda, the house cat at the Algonquin, and all proceeds benefited the North Shore Animal League, an adoption shelter on Long Island. The kitty-models were provided by the Westchester Feline Club, and the high-tone fashions were created by Meow Wear.

All you intellectual cats and humans know the Algonquin as the site of Dorothy Parker’s famous Round Table literary luncheons in the 1920s. I personally attended several myself when I was Robert Benchley in a previous life. The fashion show was held in the very dinning room where the Round Table luncheons occurred.

Matilda, shown in the photo above, is the ninth house cat at the Algonquin. The kitty tradition began in the 1930s with Hamlet, a bedraggled stray found by actor John Barrymore. And hey, Matilda… next time I’m in New York, I’ll stop by and we can claw up a chair in the Oak Room together.

NEW KITTY ON THE BLOCK!

A couple days ago, our good friend Paula (who also happens to be my literary agent extraordinaire) welcomed a new addition to her family. No, not a pesky, squalling human baby, but… a three-month-old little girl kitty! The kitten, along with her litter mates, was rescued from death row at the pound by a good Samaritan, who then adopted them out to good homes (including Paula’s), where they will lead wonderful, happy lives. Paula’s man-cat, Dave, is already showing the new kitten the ropes, and as soon as the kitty gets acclimated to her new surroundings, Paula will read her the “Advice for Kittens” chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box (yes, I couldn’t resist yet another shameless plug for my book!).

Paula is still deciding on a name for her new kitty. One of the possibilities is “Stevie,” which Steve thinks is pretty cool (obviously), but if you want to weigh in with a suggestion, I’ll make sure to pass it along. Meanwhile, please join me in welcoming Paula’s new kitty and wishing her many years of purrs, tummy rubs, and best of all, long naps in the sun.