Buy 'Em Both Together!

Just in time for your summer reading pleasure, Amazon is offering a couple ways to save money on purchases of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box.

If you already bought The World Is Your Litter Box, but don’t yet have The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, you can now save 10% off the cover price of the sequel (that’s a jaw-dropping savings of $1.20!). If you don’t yet have either book, you can purchase them together for the incredibly low price of $20.70. Astounding bargains like this don’t come along every day, especially when we’re talking classic (and extremely funny) cat literature. In fact, to put everything in proper perspective, here are several good reasons why you should buy both books together…

• When you finish the first book, you can start the second one immediately (Yes, that’s right… instant gratification!)
• You’ll get twice as many laughs.
• Shipping both books together requires less fossil fuel and helps the environment.
• Both books together are cheaper than the complete works of Shakespeare (and WAY easier to understand).
• The two covers complement each other and will look nice on your coffee table.
• Double is ALWAYS better (think double cheeseburgers or two scoops of ice cream).
• You’ll be the envy of all your cat-loving friends.
• Your cat(s) will acquire twice as much wisdom from yours truly.
• I’ll earn twice as many royalties (Hey, might as well be honest here!).
• Your cat(s) will be doubly thankful and doubly nice to you (for a few minutes, anyway).

No serious cat lover should be without The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, so order now! For more info on both books, and a link to Amazon, visit the official The World Is Your Litter Box website.

Write a Book Review of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

Have you ever read a convoluted book review by some snobby self-absorbed intellectual and thought to yourself, “I could write a better review than THAT!” Well, fellow cats (and cat lovers), here’s your chance. If you bought The World Is STILL Your Litter Box from Amazon.com, you’re entitled to write a review and tell everyone on Earth what you think of the book. Start by going to Amazon’s page for The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Click on “customer reviews,” which is right under the title info. This will take you to the “Reviews,” page, where you can click on “Create Your Own Review” and have at it. Needless to say, it would be most helpful if you said something nice, but all constructive comments would be welcome… hey, I can take the heat! We’ll also add your review to the “Reviews” page on the Litter Box website.

And while I’m shamelessly plugging The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, let me remind you that the book makes a perfect Father’s Day gift for the cat-loving dad in your life. Let’s face it… what father wouldn’t rather get a cat book than socks, a tie, or some type of power tool?

How Kittens Are Made

Throughout the history of cinema, certain films have come along and made such an impact that they elevated the art form to new plateaus and pointed the motion picture industry in an entirely new direction… films such as Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, The Bicycle Thief, Star Wars, The Godfather, and anything with Jennifer Aniston to name but a few.

Now, another rubicon in the history of filmmaking has been crossed. Yes, movie aficionados, for your viewing pleasure, I have channeled Orson Welles and directed my first film, “How Kittens Are Made,” a groundbreaking two-minute slice of cinema vérité featuring my friend and protégée, Andy. Here are some of the early reactions from film buffs around the world…

• “OMG… what a mancat!”
• “Mon Dieu… le chat du amour!”
• “Made my pulse race!“
• “LOL funny!”
• “Get that cat a hooker!”

Now, a brief word of warning… “How Kittens Are Made” is a bit on the risqué side, so if you’re easily offended by humor that might be considered by some to be racy and slightly twisted, don’t watch it. However, if you think you can stand it, here’s the link…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUGQqN87LNI

Enjoy!

Why My Book Promos Are Less Annoying Than Political Ads

One thing about being a writer these days is that unless you’re really, really famous (or a nauseating celebrity with a tawdry lifestyle), most publishers will do very little to promote your books. What this means is that many authors, like me for example, have to shoulder the majority of the PR load and get the word out any way we can.

Now, I acknowledge that sometimes, my incessant hyping of The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (notice how I cleverly slipped the names in there!) can get a little irksome. But consider this… when compared to political ads, repeated references to my books are like a breath of fresh air. In fact, to illustrate the point, here are ten good reasons why promos for my books are far less annoying than political ads:

My book promos…

1. Are not on TV every five minutes
2. Do not include nonsensical B.S. from candidates
3. Do not ruthlessly batter opponents (in my case, other cat books)
4. Do not include phrases like “Commie” and “Right-Wing Nut Job”
5. Are not full of untruths (that’s a polite way of saying “lies”)
6. Do not single out ethic groups for subtle-but-slimy attacks
7. Do not include frenzied cheers such as “Lit-Ter-Box, Lit-Ter-Box”
8. Do not state that I will solve ALL problems without raising taxes
9. Are amusing and entertaining (I think so, anyway)
10. Are not self-serving (Well, okay, they are… but in a good way!)

So the next time you see one of my promos for The World Is Your Litter Box or The World Is STILL Your Litter Box (yes, once again I’ve slipped the names in, ha-ha!) and think to yourself, “Will Quasi NEVER go away?” just be glad that I’m not a politician running for office. Or, you could simply succumb to the hype and buy the books (The World Is Your Litter Box and The World Is STILL Your Litter Box in case you forgot!).

Don't Go In There!

Here’s another kitty-in-trouble story that fortunately (and amazingly) has a happy ending.

Last week, in a suburb of Sydney, Australia, a four-month old Persian kitten named Kimba climbed into a front loading washing machine and curled up on the clothes. (I know… this sounds bad already). Another member of the family, who didn’t know that Kimba was in the washing machine, closed the door and started a full wash cycle, which included a high-level spin.

Anyway, when Kimba’s human went to pull the clothes out of the washing machine, they found Kimba, who “looked like a drowned rat,” but was miraculously alive. Kimba was rushed to the vet, where she was treated for shock and hypothermia (the wash cycle was set for "cold"). She also received treatment for her eyes, which were irritated by the detergent. Luckily, however, Kimba is expected to make a full recovery. Whew!

The moral of this story, and this is directed primarily toward humans who have a kitten in the house, is to BE VERY CAREFUL when doing laundry, and MAKE SURE no cats are in the washer or the dryer before you shut the door and start the machine. Need I say more?

The one good thing that came out of this misadventure for Kimba is that she is now so clean, she won’t have to wash herself again until she’s at least one year old. Still, all you other cats and kittens out there, I would highly advise you to use your sandpaper tongue for cleaning and leave the washers and dryers to humans.

Memorial Day 2010

On this Memorial Day weekend, amid all the shopping and BBQs and general mayhem, let’s all take a few moments to remember the humans who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect and defend the way of life we hold so dear. I wish there were no wars, but I give wholehearted thanks to the men and women who fought and died in them on our behalf.

And while we’re at it, let’s use this opportunity to remember all the wonderful kitties that graced us with their presence and have now gone to the Rainbow Bridge. Thank you for all the years of joy you gave us, and thank you for enriching our lives with your unconditional love. We’ll never forget you.

And lastly, Memorial Day weekend falls right in the middle of kitten season, so if you have room in your home, why not think about adopting a member of the next generation of cats. These new-to-the-world kittens are ready and waiting to warm our hearts with boundless joy, and by doing so, will become the beloved cats we’ll cherish and remember on Memorial Day weekends in the distant future. After all, isn’t that what Memorial Day is all about?

Say Hello to My Little Friends

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, the newly-released sequel to The World Is Your Litter Box, marks the literary debut of my two housemates and kitty compadres, Bo Diddley and Piglet. Both cats, who are brothers, were adopted from a pet rescue organization shortly after the ill-advised-but-hilarious “Babysitting Guest Kittens” episode described in the new book. At first, I was more than a little perturbed by their presence, but I quickly came to realize that living in a multiple cat household has certain distinct advantages when dealing with the humans (as you will also see in the new book). That's Pig in the top photo, and B.D. , with his personal copy of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, in the bottom photo.

Bo Diddley, or B.D. for short, is a plus-size cat like me, and is a gentle, loving soul with nary a mean bone in his body. B.D. loves nothing more than to sit in Steve’s lap, receive petting, and purr at 120 decibels. Somewhere, there’s a kitty that was born at exactly the same time as B.D. who is not as sweet as he should have been because B.D. got an extra dose of sweetness. Piglet, or Pig as we call him, was clearly the runt of the litter and is a little wanting in the grooming department (hence his nickname, Pig). Pig is a scrappy little guy – sort of like James Cagney might have been if James Cagney had been a cat – and as such, he makes frequent (and futile) challenges to my alpha maleness. Although this forces me to take up paws against him, I can’t help but like the little guy and admire his spunk.

Anyway, you’ll find out much more about B.D., Pig, and our collective antics in The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for our first communal nap of the day.

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box - Now Available!

The wait is over! My new book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, is finally available for purchase from all the major on-line booksellers, including Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also ask your favorite bookstore to order a copy for you if they don’t have it on the shelf. The book is available in both softcover and eBook formats.

If you’re one of the millions – well, okay, thousands – of cats and cat lovers who enjoyed The World Is Your Litter Box, then you’re in for a real treat with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Like its predecessor, the new book is loaded with wit and wisdom from yours truly to help make a cat’s life even more pleasant, enjoyable and entertaining than it already is. Yes, with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, I’ve held nothing back and pushed the envelope of cat humor to unheard of new extremes. In other words, get ready to laugh your tail off!

In conjunction with the release of The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, we’ve revamped the official The World Is Your Litter Box website to include information about the new book, excerpts, and lots of other fun cat stuff. Drop by and check it out. We’ve also created an official fan page on Facebook, and of course, you can follow my daily musings on Twitter.

Anyway, fellow cat, I hope you enjoy reading The World Is STILL Your Litter Box as much as I enjoyed writing it and Steve (my human) enjoyed typing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll celebrate the release of my second book by taking a long, well-deserved nap.

The Oil Spill and How You Can Help

The devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which occurred as the result of an oil rig explosion late last month, has already caused untold ecological damage and is threatening to become an even greater disaster. As of this writing, crude oil continues to pour into the Gulf unabated, and at an alarming rate.

In an effort to contain the leak, humans have towed a four-story concrete-and-steel box out to the location where the oil rig used to be. This giant contraption is to be lowered down to the seabed, where it will hopefully cover the leaking pipe. At that point, in theory, the leaking oil can be pumped up to a tanker. I’m not really sure of all the fine points as to how this is supposed to resolve the situation, but let’s hope it works.

Meanwhile, here’s a way for all us creatures with fur and/or hair to help out. Actually, I read about this on The Cat’s Meow blog yesterday and it’s a great idea. It seems that fur and human hair can be used to make booms that absorb oil, and there’s an environmental organization, Excess Access, that has all this figured out. Right now, they’re collecting excess fur, hair and nylons that can be used to make booms and help contain the oil spill. So during this shedding season, you can put your excess fur to good use (instead of ingesting it and kacking it back up).

For more information, please visit the Excess Access website. Hey, every little bit helps!

Animal Cruelty and the Supreme Court

As you know, I normally try to keep my posts fairly light and humorous, but there’s nothing light or humorous about this: last Tuesday, by a vote of 8-1, the United States Supreme Court determined that videos depicting cruelty to animals, including heinous and despicable “crush videos,” merit free speech protection under the First Amendment of the Constitution.

As a cat, I feel sick to my stomach, nor only for members of my own species, but for all animals that might be subject to cruelty merely to satisfy human pleasures. .. or for any other reason. Have humans completely lost their hearts as well as their minds?

I completely understand the need to protect free speech, but where do humans draw the line? Does this mean its okay to yell “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater or make violent threats against someone? If not, then why should sickos be allowed to make videos that show kittens and other small animals being crushed by hollow-headed bimbos in high heels?

Since its apparently okay to say or do just about anything, I’m going to express my right to free speech and state that anyone involved in making videos where animals are hurt, tortured or killed should bear the full karmic weight of their actions. And to the young women who participate in on-camera cruelty to animals, I hope the frightened faces and anguished sounds of these poor, defenseless creatures haunt you to your dying day.

Sorry to be so intense about all this, but cruelty to animals should not be tolerated by anyone for any reason.

Update: The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, my long-awaited follow-up to The World Is Your Litter Box, has entered the production phase. In other words, barring any unexpected human foibles, the book is on schedule for release toward the end of May. VERY exciting! The new book contains the same edgy, meow-out-loud humor that has made The World Is Your Litter Box a cat cult classic. Here are just some of the chapters:

• How to Tell If Your Human Is a True Cat Nut
• How to Live with Multiple Cats & Alpha Males
• Ways to Annoy Your Human Just for Fun
• What to Do If Your Human Puts You On a Diet
• Things to Do (And Not to Do) When You're Buzzed On Catnip
• How to Make Sure Your Human Keeps Your Litter Box Clean
• Flummoxing Enigmas for Cats

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will be available in both softcover and ebook formats. And if I may say so myself, it's just as funny (if not funnier) than its predecessor. Get ready to laugh your hind end off!

Daylight Savings Time

Well, fellow cats, spring is almost here, and with it comes daylight savings time. Yes, that’s right… it’s that oh-so-discombobulating time of year when humans set their clocks forward one hour to make the sunny part of the day longer. How setting clocks forward one hour affects the astral relationship between the sun and the Earth is beyond me, but I’ll leave that one for greater minds to figure out. All I know is, setting clocks back and forth is VERY confusing and messes everything (and everyone) up.

But, there’s a silver lining to all this! The advent of daylight savings time allows me to present an advance excerpt from my forthcoming book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, which will be out toward the end of May. Here’s the “Daylight Savings Section” of the chapter entitled “Confusing Enigmas for Cats.”

Daylight Savings Time: Here’s one that even humans find to be a cause of consternation and falls into the category of “Why do they do it to themselves?” In order to save energy or whatever, humans have come up with something called daylight savings time, which requires them to set their clocks forward one hour in the spring and one hour back in the fall. This is especially inconvenient in the modern age, when most households have at least 86 devices with digital clocks that are highly complicated to reset. Anyway, in the spring, as a result of this ill-conceived idea, 7:00 a.m. becomes 8:00 a.m., and in the fall, 7:00 a.m. becomes 6:00 a.m. I know, it’s TOTALLY confusing. It bollixes up natural sleep patterns, and for the two or three days it takes to adjust to the time change, everyone is inordinately cranky (me included). Unfortunately for humans, our internal kitty clocks are not quite so easily resettable. Therefore, in the spring, we wake our humans one hour later, and in the fall, we wake them one hour earlier. Hey, if humans wouldn’t monkey around with the natural order of things, none of this would happen, so they have only themselves to blame.

Anyway, fellow cats, don’t forget to remind your human to set their clocks forward one hour this Sunday. And think of the joy you’ll have waking them up at your normal time, which will, in fact, be one hour earlier. Oh how I love human foibles!

More Info About The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

The manuscript for The World Is STILL Your Litter Box is finally complete. Whew! Writing a book is VERY hard work, especially for a busy cat like myself who has a myriad of other important kitty responsibilities (such as cleaning myself, patrolling the yard and looking cute).

Fortunately for me, my human, Steve, is handling the whole process of getting the book ready for publication, etc. In fact, last week, he met with Ward Schumaker, the artist who did the cover for The World Is Your Litter Box about doing the cover for the new book. Ward is a very well-known and talented artist, so we're happy to have him on board and we can't wait to see what he comes up with.

Meanwhile, not to toot my own horn (beep beep), but I must say I've outdone myself with The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. And fellow cat, like the first book, it's loaded with information to help make your life even more pleasant and enjoyable than it already is. And of course, it's disguised as a cute cat book so your human will buy it, little realizing that it is you who will actually reap the benefits.

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will be available in May 2010. I'll provide updated information for you as it arises.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Along with my human, Steve, I want to wish all my kitty and human friends a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with lots of love. And for your amusement and reading pleasure, here's the 'Valentine's Day" section of the "Holiday Fun (and Danger)" chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box. Enjoy...

Valentine’s Day: A good holiday for cats. Love is in the air and typically, male humans give female humans gifts such as candy and flowers. This means you will have wrapping paper and ribbons to play with and flowers to sniff (and eat). If your human gets a box of candy and leaves the top off, you can have the sumptuous pleasure of licking and sampling each individual piece. Because humans tend to get all mushy and gooey on Valentine’s day, you can usually expect to receive a little extra lovin’ yourself, and maybe even a present. Steve and his female are such shameless cat lovers that they always buys me a Valentine present, usually a cat toy, catnip, or the most expensive kind of kitty food. Ain’t love grand!

NOTE: In some instances on Valentine’s Day, your human may pay more attention to another human than you. This is UNACCEPTABLE HUMAN BEHAVIOR and cannot be tolerated. If your human is being amorous with another human and ignoring you, jump between (or on) them and meow loudly to express your displeasure. Then, turn your back, stick your rear end in their faces and march off in a huff. Make them understand that Valentine’s Day or not, you are numero uno and will not be ignored.

CAT GODDESS TEMPLE FOUND

As every feline lover knows, cats were worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt (as they should be everywhere and at all times). Still, some uninformed humans question whether cat worship in Egypt was truly a reality. Well, Mr. and Ms. Doubting Thomas, this bit of news should put your skepticism to rest…

A few days ago, in the city of Alexandria, archeologists unearthed the ruins of a 2000-year-old temple that appears to have been dedicated to the Egyptian cat goddess, Bastet. Several statues of Bastet (pictured in the photo above) were found in the temple, which is believed to have belonged to Queen Berenice, the wife of King Ptolemy III and obviously a supreme cat lover. Several cans of mummified Mixed Grill and Kitty Stew were also found (ha-ha, not really… I just made that part up!).

With their god-like status, I wonder if cats back then were subject to discipline for acts of unacceptable kitty behavior. If so, it must have gone something like, “Pardon me, your Highness, but if it pleases you, would you deign to stop scratching up the arm of my divan.” Yes, those cats in ancient Egypt must have had it pretty good.

HELP FOR PEOPLE (AND ANIMALS) IN HAITI

On Tuesday, as I’m sure everyone knows, Haiti was struck by a devastating earthquake that toppled buildings, killed thousands of people, and left thousands more homeless. In terms of rescue and recovery, this disaster is especially dire because Haiti is a very poor country with few resources of its own.

I call on all my fellow cats to convince their humans to help the people (and animals) in Haiti by making a $10 donation to the International Red Cross. Simply text “Haiti” to the number 90999, and the donation will be charged to your phone bill. Steve and his female just made their donations, so I know it’s very easy to do.

I realize things are very tight with the economy being the way it is, but Haiti desperately needs our help… so if you can afford to make a donation, please do it right away.

COLD WEATHER

As we start the new year and the new decade, many parts of the United States are buried under snow and experiencing extremely cold weather. Not to rub it in for you cats who live in these places, but here in Southern California, it’s been sunny and in the low 70s all week. (Please don’t hate me because I’m warm!).

Anyway, as a cat who has never lived in a frigid place, and who has never even seen snow for that matter, I have some questions about the cold that perhaps some of my cooler-climate kitty friends in the blogosphere can answer…

• Does snow tickle when it falls on your nose?
• How does snow feel when you step in it?
• How do you drink frozen water?
• Does it hurt to breathe when the air is so cold?
• Can you still climb trees when they have snow on them?
• How do you form snowballs with no opposable thumbs?
• Can your human still get to the store to buy your food?
• Does your tongue stick to your fur when you lick yourself?
• Can you swim in snow?
• Where is all this snow going to go when it finally melts?

Here’s hoping all cats in cold climates have a nice fireplace to sleep in front of during the day and warm humans to cuddle up with at night.

QUASI'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

Around this time each year, many humans make what are known as New Year’s resolutions. From what I can gather, these resolutions are changes humans plan to make in the new year, such as breaking a bad habit or starting a new project of some kind.

Although New Year’s resolutions are made with the best intentions, I’m aware that most humans break them, usually before the new year is more than one or two weeks old. With that in mind, here are my New Year’s resolutions for 2010…

• Stop begging for food while Steve and the female are eating
• Stop shredding the arm of the couch
• Stop leaving my cat toys scattered around the house
• Stop grabbing Steve’s arm when he gives me a tummy rub
• Stop smoking (just kidding!)
• Stop climbing up screen doors
• Stop singing operatic arias when Steve and the female are sleeping
• Stop abusing catnip
• Stop going up on the roof and pretending I can’t get down
• Stop coughing up hairballs on the TV remote

And like humans who make New Year’s resolutions, I vow to be VERY diligent in adhering to each one of these pledges (and if you believe that, I have some acreage on the moon I’d like to sell you). Meanwhile, I wish all creatures, cats, humans and otherwise, a happy new year and all the best in 2010!

HERE COMES SANTA.....

Well, we’re into the final week before the arrival of Santa Claus (or, more appropriately for us cats, Santa Claws), which means that if you haven’t done your Christmas shopping yet, you better get on it tout suite! Meanwhile, for your holiday pleasure and amusement, here’s the “Christmas” section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box….

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other gigantic big screen TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake. And, of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.

Along with Steve and his female, I wish all creatures, (cats and otherwise), a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

QUASI'S "I WANT" CHRISTMAS LIST

Well, fellow cats, once again it’s that self-indulgent time of the year when I make out my list of what I want for Christmas. I’ve been a good cat this year (well… pretty good), so I hope Santa will come through big time.

Here’s my “I want” list for Christmas 2009:

• A new litter box (with a uniformed washroom attendant to keep it clean)
• One of those retro Felix the Cat clocks
• A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine
• An iPhone with Hello Kitty ringtones (Steve got one and its tres cool!)
• Enough catnip to keep me buzzed for a year
• A Taylor Swift CD (Yes, I still have a crush on her!)
• Opposable thumbs
• A generous gift certificate to Petco
• Socks and ties (just kidding!)
• A nice new cardboard box to explore and sleep in
• A new scratching post (that I can ignore while heading for the arm of the couch)
• Some intellectually-challenging cat toys
• The World Is Your Litter Box (hey, you just knew I had to sneak it in!)
• World Peace
• Food, food and MORE FOOD
  

NEW iPHONES FOR CHRISTMAS

This year, as a means of reducing their carbon footprint (and primarily because they’re cheap and lazy), Steve and his female have decided to forego the mind-numbing process of buying a multitude of Christmas presents for each other and instead, get new iPhones.

So over the weekend, while they went on the Apple website and watched videos about the iPhone and how to use it, I sat on the corner of the desk and tried to pick up a little info my own bad self. Now, I must admit, the iPhone seems to be very cool, but it also looks VERY confusing! Since Steve and the female are typically flummoxed by new technology, it will be lots of fun to watch them go completely bonkers as they try and figure out how to use these gadgets. Should be highly entertaining!

Because I secretly use Steve’s cell phone when he’s not around, I’m glad to see that the iPhone has a large keyboard, which will make texting much easier for me. After all, with no opposable thumbs, it’s pretty hard for us cats to text on a small keyboard. When Steve and the female get their iPhones, I should have no trouble mashing down on the keys when texting my kitty pals and telling them to meet me at the mall… or whatever.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes when Steve and the female get their new iPhones, which should be within a week or so. I can’t wait!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Yes, once again it’s Thanksgiving week… that wonderful time of year when we all stop and give thanks for all the wonderful blessings we have. Yes, even in these difficult economic times, most of us have much to be thankful for. But still, let’s not forget those who don’t have as much as we do and hope that their lives improve for the better. And let’s also remember those who have given so much over the years so that we can continue to have the lifestyle we so enjoy today.

Now right about here, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, Quasi, those are very nice Thanksgiving sentiments and all that, but what does Thanksgiving hold in store for us cats?” Well, for your edification and enjoyment, here’s the Thanksgiving section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box…

Thanksgiving: A good holiday for cats, even if it’s not so good for turkeys. At Thanksgiving, human families get together to gorge themselves and good feeling is in the air (as are an abundance of good cooking smells!) In most households with male and female humans, the male usually spends the day watching football on TV while the female toils in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to providing engrossing tension and lively, entertaining arguments, this situation will afford you a good lap to sleep in, unless your male human becomes over-exuberant and spills beer on you, and plenty of interesting activity in the kitchen. Once the table is set, you might want to jump up there and make sure all the silverware, plates, and glasses are properly arranged. And when dinner is finally served, be sure to go from person to person looking as cute (and hungry) as possible. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving turkey. Yum! Then, when dinner is over and everyone is sated beyond the point of decency, including you, you can go into the bedroom and have a nice snooze on everyone’s coats, just like on New Years Eve and other holidays during cold seasons. Yes, there is much to be thankful for.

Along with Steve and Judy (my humans), I want to wish everyone - cat, human and otherwise - a very safe and happy Thanksgiving!

CAT CRUSH ON TAYLOR SWIFT

A couple nights ago, from my usual spot on the back of the couch behind Steve and his female, I watched Saturday Night Live, which was hosted by Taylor Swift, the very talented (and very cute) singer. About halfway through the show, I came to a startling realization, and that is… I have a BIG CAT CRUSH on Taylor Swift.

Now I know this is just a crazy fantasy and that nothing will ever come of it, but I find myself dreaming of Taylor Swift’s gentle touch as she rubs my tummy and her sweet, juicy lips as she kisses my nose and cuddles me. OMG, it makes me purr just thinking about it! I wonder if Taylor Swift is a cat person? And, dare I even think it… I wonder if she’s read The World Is Your Litter Box?

Oh well, like I said, probably nothing will ever come of my kitty crush, but hey Taylor… if you ever come to Burbank, there’s a great big furry white tummy waiting for you to rub! And if Kanye West ever bothers you again... just let me know and I'll give him a big, scary hiss!

STILL FLUMMOXED BY TIME CHANGE

Am I the only cat who’s still completely perplexed by the time change? Normally I adapt within a few days, but this year, for some reason, I just can’t seem to get my internal kitty clock synced up with human clocks. Maybe it has to do with global warming or sunspots or something. All I know is, when I wake Steve and his female at my formerly normal time of 7:00 a.m., it’s now 6:00 a.m., which makes them very angry to be awakened so early. Oh, well. If I get hungry at 6:00 a.m. (or what used to be 7:00 a.m.), they just have to get up and feed me, and that’s that! Hey, can I help it if my circadian rhythm is all messed up?

As far as I’m concerned, this whole concept of setting clocks ahead one hour in the spring and back one hour in the fall is one the worst ideas humans have come up with yet. It’s VERY confusing. I think all humankind should adopt the much-easier-to-use international kitty clock system, which is clearly divided into “awake” time and “nap” time. And since “nap” time lasts for around 20 hours a day, the remaining “awake” time would be much simpler for everyone to manage. Do we cats have to think of EVERYTHING?

Anyway, until humans come to their senses and quit monkeying around with their clocks twice a year, I guess we cats will just have to continue to “spring ahead” and “fall back” as the time change reminder goes. Just don’t blame us if we wake our humans up an hour early in the fall and let them oversleep one hour in the spring.

THE BACK-HOME-AGAIN DAMAGE REPORT

Steve and his female FINALLY arrived back home from their visit to Savannah GA and Charleston SC. Even though they were only gone six days, it felt like a lot longer. Of course, of those six days, I spent approximately 120 hours asleep, so mostly, I only missed them in my dreams. And, as usual, I was able to con my pet sitter into giving me an overabundance of kitty treats. Still, when humans leave cats alone, they MUST pay, and Steve and his female are no exception. Here’s the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-me damage report:

• 45 minutes of serious kitty scorn (I tried for an hour, but I couldn’t hold out any longer)
• 1 unraveled and finely-shredded roll of toilet paper
• “Accident” outside litter box
• Demolition of the female’s favorite houseplant
• 1 kacked-up hairball on coffee table, with fallout spatter on the DVD remote
• All Tivo’d shows deleted and replaced with programming from Animal Planet
• Uber-shredding on the arm of the couch
• All books pushed out of the bookcase and onto the floor (except The World Is Your Litter Box)
• Overwhelming smell of cat throughout the house
• Cat hair on everything

And one final thing… Steve and the female said they only saw two kitties in Savannah and NONE in Charleston. I’m guessing that my fellow cats in the low country were sleeping off huge meals of kitty food and grits and were just too full and sated to go outside. Regardless, y’all, here’s a hearty shout out to every one of my kitty compadres in the South.

HOME ALONE 2009

For one week, Steve and his female are taking a vacation, which they seem to do every year about this time. This year, they’re going to Savannah, which is in some place called Georgia, and Charleston, which is in some place called South Carolina. Why they want to go to these two cities is a mystery to me, but I hear they’re both very beautiful and historic, and that they both have lots of opportunities to eat indulgent amounts of delicious Southern food (now THAT’S something I can relate to!).

Nice for Steve and the female, but not so swell for yours truly. For you see, fellow cat, for one week, I’ll be home alone and left in the care of my pet sitter, who comes over twice a day to feed me and cater to whatever whims I might feel at the time. Now, right about here, you’re probably thinking, “But Quaz, in The World Is Your Litter Box, you talked about all kinds of ways to take advantage of your pet sitter. That can't be so bad.” Yes, that’s true, and I plan to do just that. But still, there’s nothing like having your own humans around to suck up to you 24/7, and when they’re gone, I’m forced to WAIT for things like food and attention. Unacceptable human behavior if you ask me.

So, fellow cat, as I always do when Steve and the female leave me home alone, I will make them pay dearly (as only a cat can). I haven’t yet determined the level and scope of household damage I intend to inflict, but you can bet it will be – shall we say – noticeable. And, of course, when Steve and the female return, I’ll scorn both of them (for a little while, anyway) to teach a lesson they shan’t soon forget.

Anyway, I hope Steve and his female have a nice vacation in the South, but they better bring me back something nice. Perhaps some catnip-flavored grits or a replica of Fort Sumter that I can lie on and crush. Please, God, just don’t let them come back talking like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara!

THE END OF BASEBALL SEASON

Today, according to my human, Steve, is the saddest day of the year. For you see, today, the words “Final Standings” appear on the sports page of the newspaper. This means that the regular 2009 baseball season is officially over, and for Steve, this is a tragedy on the magnitude of the Great Plague. Put it this way… in addition to being a cat nut, Steve is a MAJOR baseball nut. Steve grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, and even though he lives in Southern California (home of the hated Dodgers), his favorite team has always been the SF Giants.

But forget Steve. What I’m sure you REALLY want to know, fellow cat, is how does the end of baseball season affect your ‘ole pal Quasi? Well, in our household, we have a very workable arrangement that allows Steve to watch zillions of baseball games without incurring the wrath of the female. Steve has MLB.TV, so he can watch all the Giants games on his computer in his home office (yes, I know… he SHOULD be helping me work on The World Is STILL Your Litter Box instead of frittering his time away watching humans running around on a baseball diamond). This leaves the TV (and the Netflix cue) free for the female so she can watch all the nauseating chick flicks and reality TV shows she wants. And when the female is happy, we’re ALL happy. Anyway, when Steve watches baseball games on the computer, he props his legs up on his desk, which creates the perfect lap space for yours truly. Yes, that’s right… hours of baseball watching translates into hours of high quality lap time and petting for ME!

During the Giants games, when one of the opposing players strikes out, Mike Krukow, one of the Giants announcers often says, “Grab some pine, meat.” For me, I’ll have to wait ‘til next spring for Steve to look at me, pat his lap and say “Grab some lap, meat.”

It’s going to be a long, cold winter.

The World Is STILL Your Litter Box

Lately, several erudite kitty (and human) readers of The World Is Your Litter Box, my ultra-hilarious how-to manual for cats, have asked me about the status of the follow-up, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box… so, as a means providing an update (and take advantage of yet another opportunity to shamelessly promote my writing career), let me first tell you that barring any last-minute complications, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box will be out in the spring of 2010. We don’t have a firm release date yet, but when we do, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Meanwhile, here is a partial list of chapters from the new book that are finished so far…

• How to Tell If Your Human Is a True Cat Nut
• What to Do If Your Human Puts You On a Diet
• Breezy Excuses for Unacceptable Kitty Behavior
• Cat Sounds and What They Mean
• Fun Things to Do When You’re Buzzed On Catnip
• How to Live with Multiple Cats and Alpha Males
• Good Fighting (and Survival) Techniques
• How to Baby-sit Guest Kittens
• Why Cats Are Smarter Than Humans

Let me also apologize for being somewhat missing in action on the web lately, but as you can imagine, writing a book is very hard, time-consuming work… especially for a cat with a multitude of household responsibilities and a need to sleep 20 hours a day. But rest assured that Steve and I are working very diligently to complete The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, and when you finally read it, I think you’ll agree that it will have been worth the wait (if I don’t say so myself!).

WHY CAN'T HUMANS BE MORE LIKE CATS? (CIVILITY LESSON #2)

Just when I thought humans couldn’t be any ruder and nastier to one another, yet another incident occurred that made me wonder why humans can’t be more like cats. On the MTV Music Video Awards program a few days ago, Kanye West interrupted an acceptance speech by Taylor Swift, grabbed the microphone from Swift’s hand, and proceeded to tell the whole world that Beyonce was more deserving of the award. (To Beyonce’s credit, she graciously ceded some of her time on the program so Swift could complete her acceptance speech.)

Have humans (other than Beyonce) gone completely mad? Has it become fashionable for humans to yell and scream and interrupt one another? I know that hosts on talk radio and cable TV do it, but does that mean that all humans have to act like louts and oafs to make their point?

Here’s what I think humans should do to become more kind and courteous… in other words, to become more like cats. First, all humans should give at least one other human a kiss (which is the equivalent of our licking). Then, all humans should give another human at lease one delicious treat. And finally, all humans should take a nice long nap so they wake up refreshed, and hopefully, in a better mood. Hey, it works for us cats.

WHY CAN'T HUMANS BE MORE LIKE CATS? (CIVILITY LESSON #1)

From my usual spot on the back of the couch, behind Steve and his female, I watched President Obama’s speech on health care reform, and quite frankly, I was stunned by the behavior of certain human members of Congress. Throughout the speech, I heard cat calls (and I don’t mean meows), and I saw several humans texting or Twittering while the President was speaking. Tres rude! One white male congressman even shouted out, “You lie.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the President of the United States the leader of the free world and deserving of a certain amount of respect, even if you disagree with him?

Now what occurred to me while watching the speech, among other things, is… why can’t humans be more like cats? Let me give you an example. When I disagree with one of my fellow felines, I merely hiss at them and… well yes, sometimes a whap or two on the head are also required to drive my point home. But I don’t call other cats liars or Nazis or Commies or whatever. Even with enemy cats, I try to show a reasonable degree of courtesy and respect. After all, what are we? Animals?

Now I’m not suggesting that humans hiss at each other or whap each other on the head, but a little civility would be nice. All this screeching and name calling is getting humans nowhere, and for the rest of us, it’s mighty unpleasant. Disagree if you must, humans, but please try and keep the level of discourse out of the gutter. And it would also be nice if you could disagree more quietly. Hey, some of us are trying to nap.

FIRES IN CALIFORNIA

I’m sure you’ve heard by now that some very serious wildfires are burning in California, primarily in Southern California where it’s very hot. The largest one, known as the Station Fire, is burning out of control in the Los Angeles area. We live pretty close to the fire… not so close that we’re in any immediate danger, but close enough that we can see and smell the smoke in the air. It’s pretty nasty.

It seems that all the states in the good ‘ole USA are plagued with some kinds of natural disasters, whether it be hurricanes, tornadoes, floods or droughts. In California, from roughly August through October, it’s fire season. That’s because in most of the state, we get no rain between June and the late fall, so everything becomes tinder dry. Combine that with extremely hot weather, and you’ve got very dangerous conditions that all too often become disastrous.

At times like these, in addition to concern about humans, I worry about all the forest creatures and house pets (yes, even dogs) who are in so much danger. And, of course, emergency situations like this put a significant strain on all the animal shelters and rescue organizations. I know things are pretty tight with the economy right now, but if you have a few extra bucks, you might want to make a donation to the shelter or rescue organization of your choice. You’ll find a list of some of the more well-known animal organizations on the Litter Box website.

Meanwhile, here’s a big meow out to all the human firefighters who are doing so much and risking their lives to conquer these horrible fires. We can’t thank you enough.

CAT VIDEOS RULE THE WEB!

The August 7 issue of Entertainment Weekly has an article of interest to all cats and cat lovers everywhere. I’m a little late with this information, but I didn’t know about the article until Steve’s female nicked a copy of the magazine from the gym. Anyway, the story is entitled “Hello Kitty,” and its all about how cats are the undisputed stars of the Internet. Yes fellow cats and cat lovers, according to the article, cat videos are the most watched videos on the web… in fact, some videos have been viewed over 4 million times. Let’s see dogs, politicians, movie stars and the Kardashian sisters top that!

As a public service to everyone who loves cats (and who doesn’t?), we’ve assembled the crème de la crème of the best (and funniest) cat videos on the web… all in one place for your convenience. Simply visit the official The World Is Your Litter Box website, click on “Fun Cat Videos,” and get ready to laugh your tail off. That’s entertainment!

CHILD PORN DOWNLOADED BY CAT? I THINK NOT!

Here’s a story that made the news last week, but bears repeating, I think. In Jepsen Beach, Florida, a human named Keith Griffin was arrested on child pornography charges after the police found over 1,000 illicit images on his computer. Griffin contended that he left the room while downloading music and when he returned, his cat had walked across the keyboard and downloaded “strange material.”

Nice try, chucko. Hey, I acknowledge that many cats (myself included) enjoy an entertaining stroll across our human’s computer keyboard from time to time, and I also acknowledge that I occasionally surf the net looking for racy images of Hello Kitty. But this allegation is completely bogus! If Griffin were truly downloading music, there’s virtually no way his kitty could have walked across the keyboard and brought up an entirely different web page. And furthermore, to bring up 1,000 images (according to mathematical probability statistics), his kitty would have had to walk across the keyboard no less than 978,432 trillion times!

Needless to say, the police did not buy Griffin’s explanation and took him into custody. His kitty, an innocent victim of blind justice (like Dr. Richard Kimble in “The Fugitive”) is being cared for by a family friend.

NEW BOOK

Work on my new book, The World Is STILL Your Litter Box, is progressing nicely. As of now, Steve and I are a little over halfway done with the book, which will be out in the Spring of 2010. Some of the completed chapters include, "How to Tell If Your Human Is a True Cat Nut," "What to Do If Your Human Puts You on A Diet," "Fun Things to Do When You're Buzzed on Catnip," and "Breezy Excuses for Unacceptable Kitty Behavior." If you liked The World Is Your Litter Box, you'll LOVE The World Is STILL Your Litter Box. Who says literary lightning doesn't strike twice!

That's me in the photo, resting from an exhausting writing session and cooling my feverishly-creative kitty brain.

THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER

Have you ever wondered where the phrase “dog days of summer” came from or what it actually means? Well, with the hottest, sultriest days of summer upon us (in the Northern Hemisphere anyway), ‘ole Quaz decided to do a little research and find out.

Being a cat, I originally thought the “dog days of summer” meant that the weather was so hot, it turned dogs into panting, drooling oafs that just wanted to lie around and sleep all day (hey, wait a minute… the lying around and sleeping all day part of that sounds a bit like a cat!). But no. The term actually dates back to the olden days and has to do with the star Sirius, the brightest star in the heavens, which is also known as the Dog Star.

Sirius was nicknamed the “Dog Star” by the ancient Egyptians in honor of a god named Osirus, whose head resembled that of a dog (poor sap!). For around 20 days beginning in late July, Sirius actually rises and sets with the sun, so the Egyptians and Romans put two and two together and concluded that Sirius added its heat to the sun and made things extra hot… hence, the name “dog days of summer.”

Now this is all fine and good, but I DEMAND equal time for cats! Since we kitties are so cool, I think the powers that be should pick out a period in September or October, when things begin to turn a bit chilly, and call it the “cat days of fall.” Don’t you agree?

QUASI'S COOL CAT iMIX #2

Summer’s here and the time is right for dancing in the streets (as Martha & The Vandellas so eloquently sang back in the 1960s), so once again, for your enjoyment, I have created Quasi’s Cool Cat i-Mix #2. Yes, it’s another fan-tabulous mix of cat songs with classics such as “Cat Scratch Fever” and “China Cat Sunflower” alongside treasures including “Kitten I’m Smitten,” “Cat-A-Tonic,” and “Big Electric Cat.” Here’s the complete mix:

Put Your Cat Clothes On – Carl Perkins
Alley Cat – Bent Fabric
Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent
Kitten I’m Smitten – When I Was 12
This Cat’s On a Hot Tin Roof – Brian Setzer
The Cat Song – Ray Stevens
China Cat Sunflower – Grateful Dead
The Siamese Cat Song – Peggy Lee with Si & Am
Cat-A-Tonic – Laurel Canyon Animal Company
Grey Cat – Peter Feldmann
The Kitty Cat Song – Lee Dorsey
The Cutest Kitten – Anthony Paule
Big Electric Cat – Adrian Belew
The Cat Came Back – Trout Fishing in America

Here’s a link…

Quasi's Cool Cat i-Mix #2

Proving, once again, that CATS ROCK!!!!

DAVE & PIPER'S NOT-SO-EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (PART 3)

After spending two disorienting nights in a hotel in Burbank, after an ultra-scary plane ride to New York, and after a couple weeks in discombobulating temporary living quarters, Dave, Piper and their human, Paula, are finally ensconced in their new home in lower Manhattan. Whew!

Dave and Piper now live on the 45th floor of a new apartment building on Liberty Street. For you kitties who can’t comprehend how high 45 floors is, it’s around the same height as Mt. Everest (trust me!). From their window, Dave and Piper can see the Statute of Liberty and the Hudson River, not to mention thousands of antlike people and cars down on the street. Yikes! I get vertigo just thinking about it! In fact, the other day, Dave chattered at a passing helicopter, thinking it was a pterodactyl or some other type of very large bird. And because the air is so thin at this altitude, Piper has to take frequent rest breaks when cleaning and preening for a hot night of clubbing (well… not really!).

Fortunately, all the furniture and household items (and cat toys) are now in place, so Dave and Piper are starting to feel right at home… in fact, that’s Piper in the photo dozing peacefully on the couch. Dave, meanwhile, has made his presence felt in the Big Apple by shredding the majority of Paula’s Sunday New York Times.

So after their not-so-excellent adventure, things seem to be returning to “normal” for Dave and Piper. And, hey, let’s face it… when you’re a kitty with a comfortable home, good food and a compliant human to love you, life is pretty good wherever you are.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

For your pleasure and amusement on this 4th of July weekend, here's my personal take on the holiday from a cat’s perspective, from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box...

4th of July: The birthday of America with lots of patriotic razzle-dazzle, but not a good holiday for cats. Most Americans celebrate the 4th with backyard barbeques that fill the air with noxious, cloying smoke (Fools! Don't they realize that all this smoke is contributing to global warming?) Then when it gets dark, after gorging themselves and drinking copious amounts of beer, they go and watch explosions in the sky. While some of these explosions are quite pretty (and quite psychedelic if you’ve been sniffing catnip), they are loud and VERY SCARY. Apart from seeing homes festooned with American flags and hearing off-key versions of the Star Spangled Banner played by horrible high school bands, and the possibility of eating leftover BBQ, there is not much for a cat to look forward to on the 4th of July except the return of sanity on the 5th. NOTE: The 4th of July is a time you outdoor cats should stay inside. Believe it or not, some twisted humans will actually go out of their way to torment cats with fireworks. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Here’s wishing everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a safe, happy and fun-filled 4th of July! And remember... DON'T play with fireworks!

A KITTY HOSTAGE SITUATION AND HOW YOU CAN HELP

Here’s a story about a fellow Burbank kitty in a very bad situation and a chance for you to make your voice heard on his behalf.

Last February, a very cute Seal Point Himalayan cat named Kitty Pants, shown in the photo, slipped away from a house sitter and found himself lost in the big bad world (or, the wilds of Burbank anyway). A few days later, Kitty Pants was found by a neighbor and taken to the Burbank Animal Shelter, and here’s where it gets dicey. Although Kitty Pants had been reported missing by his humans, Jim and Amy Roach, the attendant at the shelter failed to check the lost pets book. As a result, Kitty Pants was placed in the “general population” and subsequently adopted by another family. And here’s where it gets even dicier. Because the new family adopted Kitty Pants legally, they refuse to give him back to Jim and Amy. The family was offered a reward and another Seal Point Himalayan from the same breeder, but as of this writing, they are still refusing to budge. So this has become, in effect, a kitty hostage situation.

Naturally, Jim and Amy are devastated and want Kitty Pants back. The Burbank City Council has become involved and the Kitty Pants story has found its way into several media outlets, so hopefully, the new family will bow to pressure and relent. Still, a few words from other kitty lovers would be extremely helpful, so I call on my fellow cats (and their humans) to raise your voices and help Kitty Pants find his way home. Contact the Burbank City Council (citycouncil@ci.burbank.ca.us) and/or The Burbank Leader (gnp@latimes.com) and let them know your thoughts. Also, I’m sure any ideas you might have as to how to resolve the situation would be greatly appreciated.

Meanwhile, check back from time to time for more information on Kitty Pants. Hopefully, this story will have a happy ending.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

This Father’s Day, I want to send a very special meow out to Steve, my human “dad” (shown here with me in the photo). Here are just a few of the many reasons why I love him - even though I may not always act like it…

• He gives me attention whenever I want it
• He gives me food whenever I want it
• He pets me and makes me purr
• He gives me 763 cat treats a day
• He “lets” me claw the arm of the couch and the screen door with only minor protestations
• He doesn’t care if I leave my cat toys scattered around the house
• He leaves his shoes out so I can bury my nose deep inside and enjoy the delightfully-pungent aroma of human feet
• He always makes himself available for quality lap time or chest time, regardless of what he might be doing
• He lets me sleep on the bed at night and take up most of the room
• He rescues me when I get into inextricable kitty jams like being trapped inside a closet or stuck up on the roof
• He helped me write The World Is Your Litter Box… well, he typed it, anyway
• He gives me unconditional love, no matter how much I might exasperate him

So, thanks Steve… you’re the best human dad a cat could have! And while I’m at it, I want to extend Happy Father’s Day wishes to all the other human dads out there, and to all our kitty dads, wherever (and whoever) they might be.

DAVE & PIPER'S NOT-SO-EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (PART 2)

Dave and Piper (and Paula) arrived safely in New York City, although the trip was not without its share of excitement. Dave and Piper made it through airport security without too much difficulty (they were pretty zonked out on kitty tranquilizers, luckily for them). Also, Paula was flying with Dave and Piper’s pet sitter extraordinaire Laura, who came along to help wrangle the kitties and provide much needed comfort. Once on the plane, though, Paula and Laura had to mash Dave and Piper’s kitty carriers under the seats in front of them before the plane could take off. It’s a good thing cats are pliable! Then, about halfway through the trip, Dave came out of his tranquilizer-induced kitty haze and tried to chew his way out of his kitty carrier. Now THAT would have been an adventure if he had been successful. “Snakes on a Plane” would have paled in comparison!

Once in New York, and after taking a fairly non-eventful taxi ride into Manhattan, Dave and Piper were ensconced in their new home… their temporary new home, that is, because until Paula’s furniture arrives in about a week, the whole gang is staying in temporary housing. Dave and Piper seem to be acclimating pretty quickly, though. When Laura woke up the next morning and went into the kitchen, Piper followed her and loudly demanded breakfast. After all, to Piper, Laura is the food lady. And Dave is working on changing his laid back Southern California “meow” to a more New York-like “me-YO!”

We’ll have more on Dave and Piper once they move into their permanent home. Meanwhile, we send our love to all.

DAVE & PIPER'S NOT-SO-EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

This week, Paula (our literary agent) is relocating from Burbank, California to New York City. What with packing all her stuff and the normal stress associated with moving, Paula has been pretty freaked out lately. But that’s nothing compared to what her kitties, Dave and Piper, are going through. Even though Dave is a rough-tough mancat (like me) and Piper is relatively fearless under normal circumstances, this has been a not-so-excellent adventure for them.

First, Dave and Piper had to endure the packing up of all the furniture and household goods… very traumatic when you consider that even moving a favorite paper bag three inches to the left can be totally discombobulating for a kitty. Then they had to spend two nights with Paula in a hotel… bad enough on its own, but there was NO MIXED GRILL on the room service menu! But that’s small potatoes compared to what’s going to happen on Thursday, when Paula, Dave and Piper fly to New York. After being transported from the hotel to the Burbank airport (scary enough right there), Dave and Piper must go through security, which means they will be taken out of their kitty totes and physically carried through the metal detector. Then they’ll fly through the air in a large metal cylinder with wings, thousands of feet above the earth, and land in an entirely different city. I get sweaty paws just thinking about it! Fortunately, Dave and Piper will be high on kitty tranquilizers provided by the hated vet, so hopefully, they’ll sleep through most of this.

Anyway, I’m sure all will end well. Once Dave and Piper get to their new home and the furniture arrives, and once they scent everything to their liking, all will return to normal and they’ll become official New York City kitties. And don’t worry, Dave and Piper… I’ll be sure to come visit, and when I do, when can go down into the subway and catch some delicious rats together!

IT'S SUMMER!

Another summer is just about upon us… time for humans to do all kinds of fun things like going to the beach, barbecuing and taking vacations. From a cat’s perspective, some of these things may SOUND fun, but they make no sense. For example, the beach… who really wants to go and lie in a giant litter box all day with a scary body of water nearby? And barbecuing… sure, it smells good, but don’t humans realize what all this smoke is doing to the environment? And going on a vacation… who would want to leave the safety and security of their own home to go through the hassle of dealing with airports and mobs of other tourista-types? To me, all this just sounds like more ways for humans to drive themselves crazy. Not to mention female humans who get bikini waxing? Yikes!

Now right about here, you might be thinking, I agree with you Quaz, but what about us cats? What makes summer special for kitties?

Well, first of all, it’s going to be hot for many months, so that gives you an excuse to take extra long naps (not that you really need one, but hey…). In many countries, even humans take long naps when it gets too hot to work. Also, summer is insect season, so this will give you an opportunity to chase down (and eat, if you so choose), all kinds of interesting bugs. A word of caution here, though… try and avoid bugs with stingers. Ouch! If you have a male human that likes baseball (like my human, Steve), you’ll have lots of opportunities for quality lap time as they watch zillions of games on TV. And if you’re a long-haired kitty, you might even get a lion cut to keep you cool and make you feel ferocious all summer long. You might even have a chance to lick a snow cone like the kitty in the photo!

At any rate, fellow cat… here’s hoping you and your human have a great and safe summer!

HAPPY LANDINGS (FORTUNATELY!)

Here’s a little story about a kitty escapade that could have gone horribly wrong, but instead, has a happy ending… or, perhaps I should say, a happy landing.

Last week, a 3-year-old cat named Lucky (appropriately) managed to work his way out a window on the 26th floor of an apartment in New York City for a little high altitude exploring on a ledge. The window had been opened just a few inches by Lucky’s human, Keri Hostetler, who wanted to let in a little fresh air before some guests arrived. Lucky was doing fine until he tried to turn a corner and discovered, too late, that the ledge he was on didn’t extend any further. Lucky found himself airborne and falling fast, but here’s the miracle… even though he landed on a cement balcony 26 floors down (on his feet, of course), Lucky survived with only minor injuries. He was taken to the hated vet, where he was patched up and is expected to make a full recovery.

So let this be a lesson to all you kitties who live in high places… better stick to cupboards and closets when you feel like exploring and leave the sky to birds, bugs, butterflies and humans with parachutes. And Lucky, we’re so glad you lived to purr another day!