HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

As the yuletide season nears its crescendo and 2011 draws to a close, Steve (my human) and I would like to extend our best wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas holiday, and for a healthy and happy new year. This past year has been pretty, shall we say, challenging… but, hey, aren’t they all?

And, for your holiday reading pleasure – and some good laffs – here’s the “Christmas” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box…

            Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it?  I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say?  Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist?  Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we?  After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?  Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.

And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem,                                  DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them. (For ways to combat your human=s anger over broken Christmas ornaments, see chapter entitled “How to Get Away with Unacceptable Kitty Behavior.”

Holiday Greetings!!!

As the yuletide season reaches its crescendo and 2010 draws to a close, I would like to extend best my wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas holiday, and for a healthy and happy new year. It’s been a wild and wacky year, but aren’t they all?

And, for your holiday reading pleasure – and some good laughs – here’s the “Christmas” section of the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter from The World Is Your Litter Box…

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.
And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Snowy Weather... What's It Like?

As we approach the Christmas holiday, many areas of the United States, especially the midwest and parts of the east coast, are buried under snow and experiencing extremely cold weather. Since I live in Southern California, where it never gets really cold - although we do have scary earthquakes from time to time - I can't even imagine what it must be like to deal with frigid temperatures. About the closest I've ever come is one time when I was high on catnip, I accidentally stepped in my water bowl, which had just been filled with water from the refrigerator... THAT was pretty cold. (Right about here, you kitties in cold climates are probably thinking "Pshaw, you wuss...that's nothing!).

Anyway, as a cat who has never even SEEN snow or ice (well, I have seen ice cubes), I'm very curious about what living in a winter wonderland is really like for us kitties. I'm hoping some of my feline friends who live in snowy areas can answer some of the following questions for me...

• Does snow tickle when it falls on your nose?
• How does snow feel when you step in it?
• Can you see your breath when you hiss at an enemy kitty?
• How do you get traction on an icy surface if you have to run away from a dog?
• Can you still climb trees when they have snow on them?
• Does your fur keep you warm enough when you go outside?
• Can your human still get to the store to buy your food?
• Does your tongue stick to your fur when you lick yourself?
• How do you form snowballs with no opposable thumbs?
• Where is all this snow going to go when it finally melts?

Here’s hoping that all cats in cold climates have a nice fireplace to sleep in front of during the day and warm humans to cuddle up with at night.

It's The Holiday Season!!!!

Being the shrewd observer that I am, I’ve noticed that store-owning humans have given nicknames to a couple days of the week to entice other humans to go out buy all kinds of stuff for the holidays. For example, the day after Thanksgiving is now known as Black Friday, when humans line up outside stores in the darkness of the wee wee hours to scarf up ultra bargains. Actually, it’s pretty hard to miss Black Friday, because when the advertising-flyer-laden morning paper hit the front step on Thanksgiving day, it shook the house like an earthquake (or, for you cats who don’t live in earthquake country… a tornado or a hurricane). And today, as this is being written, it’s Cyber Monday, where humans are encouraged to crank up their computers and buy all kinds of products on line… including my books. (In fact, to buy them from Amazon, click http://tiny.cc/zbaqa... hey, I’m just as crass and commercial as the next guy!)

As a cat who always thinks outside the litter box, I’ve come up with names for the other weekdays. After all, why should only two days get special names to encourage shopping when there are three other perfectly good weekdays to exploit. Here are my suggestions:

Treat Tuesday: A day when all pet-loving humans (yes, even dog lovers) could go out and buy tons of treats for their animals. The pet shops could have fantastic “doorbuster” sales on items such as cat treats and catnip for 50% off. Even I would give up one of my 20 daily naps to get in line at 3:00 a.m. for deals like that!

Wacky Wednesday: A day when humans in general could be manipulated by clever advertisements into thinking that they truly need all kinds of superfluous and passé junk that the stores couldn’t get rid of in past holiday seasons. Who wouldn’t want to stand in line for hours and go completely mad for a chance to grab “classic” gifts such as Beanie Babies or a Sony Walkman at bargain basement prices?

Thumpin’ Thursday: This could be sort of like Black Friday, but limited to extremely macho men who like to fight first and ask questions later. The stores could slash prices on manly things like power tools and Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendars, then encourage male customers to brawl their way to the bargains. The whole shebang could be shown on TV, streamed on the Internet, and even made into a video game, which would sell millions and help the economy. Am I a genius or what?

Anyway, like it or not, the holiday season is upon us. Bring on the Johnny Mathis Christmas music!

NEW iPHONES FOR CHRISTMAS

This year, as a means of reducing their carbon footprint (and primarily because they’re cheap and lazy), Steve and his female have decided to forego the mind-numbing process of buying a multitude of Christmas presents for each other and instead, get new iPhones.

So over the weekend, while they went on the Apple website and watched videos about the iPhone and how to use it, I sat on the corner of the desk and tried to pick up a little info my own bad self. Now, I must admit, the iPhone seems to be very cool, but it also looks VERY confusing! Since Steve and the female are typically flummoxed by new technology, it will be lots of fun to watch them go completely bonkers as they try and figure out how to use these gadgets. Should be highly entertaining!

Because I secretly use Steve’s cell phone when he’s not around, I’m glad to see that the iPhone has a large keyboard, which will make texting much easier for me. After all, with no opposable thumbs, it’s pretty hard for us cats to text on a small keyboard. When Steve and the female get their iPhones, I should have no trouble mashing down on the keys when texting my kitty pals and telling them to meet me at the mall… or whatever.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes when Steve and the female get their new iPhones, which should be within a week or so. I can’t wait!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

With Christmas Day nearly upon us, here’s a little holiday entertainment for you in the form of the "Christmas" section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)" chapter of The World Is Your Litter Box...

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other plasma TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the floor hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, its usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake.

And of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them. (For ways to combat your human's anger over broken Christmas ornaments, see chapter entitled “How to Get Away with Unacceptable Kitty Behavior.”)

Along with Steve and his female, I want to wish everyone (cat, human and otherwise) a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

THE WORLD IS YOUR LITTER BOX - BOOK SIGNING

This Friday, from 6:00 to 9:00 PM, Steve will be signing copies of The World Is Your Litter Box at the Toluca Lake Christmas open house in - yes, that's right - Toluca Lake, California. Steve will be in front of A Tamara Dahill Salon at 10216 Riverside Drive. If you live in the area, please drop by and say hello... and maybe even buy a signed copy of Litter Box as a holiday gift for the cat lover in your life!

The Toluca Lake Christmas open house is an annual tradition where Riverside Drive is blocked off and all the merchants stay open late and give out treats like cookies and glasses of wine. Zillions of people come out and stroll around and sing Christmas carols, and of course, Santa makes an appearance for the kids. For a cat like me, it would be way scary, but for humans, its a lot of fun. Ho-Ho-Ho indeed!