The REAL Reason for the Protests in Egypt

I’m pretty certain there’s not a human or cat on Earth that does not know about the protests in Egypt that have driven longtime president/dictator Hosni Mubarak from power. But what many people DON’T know is the REAL REASON for the protests. Sure, everyone has heard about the oppression, the plundering of Egypt’s wealth, and worst of all, the cutoff of the Internet… but that’s not what sent thousands of Egyptians into the streets. Your intrepid reporter, Quasi Tutankhamun, has the true story, but first, a little history…

The ancient Egyptians, in their glorious wisdom, worshipped a cat goddess named Bastet, who became a national deity around 950 BC (that’s a long time ago, even in cat years). Bastet, who was also known as Bast, was a happy and benign goddess who brought good fortune and joy to all… sort of like kitties today. And because all cats were considered to be manifestations of Bastet, they were considered sacred – in fact, cats were so highly regarded in Egyptian society that it was a crime to kill a cat and punishable by death. Some Egyptians were even jailed for failing to give their cats proper tummy rubs (actually, I just made that part up, but let’s just say that those Egyptian kitties certainly had it made!).

Now, to the real reason for the protests. Of all the odious things Hosni Mubarak did during his 30-year rule, perhaps none were more insidious that his stubborn refusal to accept the fact that cats are STILL sacred like they were in ancient Egypt, and that Egypt can only have one true leader… the cat goddess Bastet. Well, clearly something as egregious as this could not be tolerated… so, like the good cat lovers they are, the modern day Egyptians took it to the streets, and after several days of angry protests, they righted this appalling wrong.

So, fellow manifestations of Bastet, no matter which human ends up being the titular head of Egypt, never forget that Egypt’s real leader walks on four legs, purrs, looks cute, and no matter how demanding the stress of leadership may be, always has time for a nice tummy rub.

CAT GODDESS TEMPLE FOUND

As every feline lover knows, cats were worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt (as they should be everywhere and at all times). Still, some uninformed humans question whether cat worship in Egypt was truly a reality. Well, Mr. and Ms. Doubting Thomas, this bit of news should put your skepticism to rest…

A few days ago, in the city of Alexandria, archeologists unearthed the ruins of a 2000-year-old temple that appears to have been dedicated to the Egyptian cat goddess, Bastet. Several statues of Bastet (pictured in the photo above) were found in the temple, which is believed to have belonged to Queen Berenice, the wife of King Ptolemy III and obviously a supreme cat lover. Several cans of mummified Mixed Grill and Kitty Stew were also found (ha-ha, not really… I just made that part up!).

With their god-like status, I wonder if cats back then were subject to discipline for acts of unacceptable kitty behavior. If so, it must have gone something like, “Pardon me, your Highness, but if it pleases you, would you deign to stop scratching up the arm of my divan.” Yes, those cats in ancient Egypt must have had it pretty good.

THE KITTY VERSION OF PASSOVER (PURR-OVER)

With due apologies to cats and humans of the Jewish faith, here’s a little story about the annual religious holiday of Purr-Over, the kitty version of Passover.

Many years ago, a big mean dog named Fay-Roe lived with his pack in Egypt. Fay-Roe despised all cats and kept them enslaved by means of his sharp teeth, bad doggie breath, thunderous bark and long claws (Fay-Roe didn’t make it to the groomer too often). Yes, fellow cats, Egyptian kitties had to hew wood and draw water for dogs! They even had to clean up the yard after slovenly uncouth dogs used it as a bathroom (to this day, dogs still haven’t figured out how to use a litter box).

The leader of the cats was named Meez-es, who cleverly disguised himself as Charlton Heston (that’s a staff he’s holding, not a gun). Naturally, all the kitties hated being enslaved and wanted to escape, so Meez-es came up with a plan. He arranged for a plague of fleas and ticks to attack the dogs, but leave the cats alone. While the all dogs were busy itching and scratching, Meez-es purred very loudly to create a distraction and all the kitties got away! Hence the name, Purr-Over.

Before the dogs knew what bit them, the cats had escaped to the Promised Land (Paris? Hawaii? L.A.?) where they were adored and worshipped by humans as they should have been all along. The kitties were smothered with affection, fed whatever they wanted, and given treats day and night for 40 years (which is a VERY long time!) If you don’t believe me, read the Cateuronomy book of the Bible or watch “The Ten Cat-Mandments” if you can sit through it without falling asleep. And on this Purr-Over holiday, when your human is giving you treats, take time out to remember those long-ago kitties who suffered and struggled, yet triumphed in the end.