QUASI'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

Around this time each year, many humans make what are known as New Year’s resolutions. From what I can gather, these resolutions are changes humans plan to make in the new year, such as breaking a bad habit or starting a new project of some kind.

Although New Year’s resolutions are made with the best intentions, I’m aware that most humans break them, usually before the new year is more than one or two weeks old. With that in mind, here are my New Year’s resolutions for 2010…

• Stop begging for food while Steve and the female are eating
• Stop shredding the arm of the couch
• Stop leaving my cat toys scattered around the house
• Stop grabbing Steve’s arm when he gives me a tummy rub
• Stop smoking (just kidding!)
• Stop climbing up screen doors
• Stop singing operatic arias when Steve and the female are sleeping
• Stop abusing catnip
• Stop going up on the roof and pretending I can’t get down
• Stop coughing up hairballs on the TV remote

And like humans who make New Year’s resolutions, I vow to be VERY diligent in adhering to each one of these pledges (and if you believe that, I have some acreage on the moon I’d like to sell you). Meanwhile, I wish all creatures, cats, humans and otherwise, a happy new year and all the best in 2010!

HERE COMES SANTA.....

Well, we’re into the final week before the arrival of Santa Claus (or, more appropriately for us cats, Santa Claws), which means that if you haven’t done your Christmas shopping yet, you better get on it tout suite! Meanwhile, for your holiday pleasure and amusement, here’s the “Christmas” section from the “Holiday Fun (& Danger)” chapter in The World Is Your Litter Box….

Christmas: The mother of all holidays... a time for joy, goodwill, and complete madness. This is a holiday that is nothing but fun for cats. The Christmas lights. The presents. The tree. The tinsel. The ornaments. The egg nog. Deck the halls indeed!

Although many stores start selling Christmas stuff in July, or so it seems, most humans start their serious Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving (although, for extra thrills and chills, some masochistic humans wait until December 24th). This means the Christmas season lasts around one month – one full month of crowded malls and post offices, angry drivers duking it out over parking spaces, mind-deadening Christmas music, maxed-out credit cards, and endless unrealistic TV commercials showing rich people buying each other gigantic big screen TVs and other expensive presents that normal mortals can’t afford. Why do humans put themselves through it? I don’t know.

But forget them. What about us cats, you say? Just what’s so special about Christmas from the feline perspective?

Well, fellow reveler, let’s start with that most traditional of holiday traditions, the Christmas tree. A week or two before Christmas, most humans bring in a fir or pine-type tree from outside and decorate it with lights, tinsel, candy canes and ORNAMENTS. These colorful shiny balls may possibly be the best thing about Christmas – the way they dangle and glisten so invitingly, just begging to be batted at. Who can resist? Not me, that’s for sure. Or you either. And why should we? After all, if our humans were truly worried about damage to their ornaments, they wouldn’t hang them in such a tempting location. So don’t be bashful, fellow sultan of swat. Whack at those ornaments until your heart’s content. And hey, if you happen to knock a few (or several) off the tree, don’t sweat it. It’s Christmas!

Then there’s the yuletide thrill of climbing the Christmas tree. However, a word of caution here. A few years back, I shinnied up my tree all the way to the top. Just as I was getting ready to do my impersonation of the Star of Bethlehem, my massive kitty girth upset the fundamental balance of gravity and the tree topped over with a resounding, tinkling crash (those ornaments DO break if they hit the ground hard enough). Naturally, Steve was pretty chagrined... although, deep down, I think he thought it was pretty funny.

It’s also great to sleep under the Christmas tree. You can even pretend you are a present if you like. And there is nothing like a refreshing drink of cool, pine-scented Christmas tree water to really get you in the holiday spirit.

Another great thing about Christmas is the presents, or, should I say, the ribbon and wrapping on the presents. The amazing thing is, fellow cat, that after all the painstaking planning, the stupefying shopping and the manual dexterity-challenging wrapping of gifts, the actual present-opening ritual is over in a matter of minutes, leaving an orgy of detritus for you to play in. Oh the joy of taking a flying leap at a mountain of crumpled-up wrapping paper, the glee of scattering colorful ribbons and bows around the living room, the unparalleled pleasure of climbing into new, unexplored empty boxes, the ego-flattering self indulgence of posing for photographs amid the rubble. And because your human won’t want you to feel left out of all the gift-giving – and receiving – they will probably buy something nice for you. In my house, it’s usually just a trifle like catnip or a cat toy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, on top of all the other previously-mentioned delights of Christmas, an extra present is merely icing on the cake. And, of course, when the merriment finally comes to an end and your human is cleaning up the wreckage, there is nothing better than a contented-cat snooze in front of a roaring yuletide fire.

NOTE #1: Many children-humans break or become disinterested in their Christmas presents within minutes of receiving them, thus leaving them for you to play with and break further, if you so desire. Also, be sure to investigate the presents given and received by adult humans. Most likely, you will find some nice new clothing to curl up and sleep on.

NOTE #2: Sparkly and inviting as it may seem, DO NOT EAT TINSEL.

NOTE #3: Some humans will become very angry when you knock ornaments and other objects off the Christmas tree. Many will even create an ornament timber line, that is, they will only hang ornaments in positions above your reach. DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM HAVING YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BAT AT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS. If ornaments are placed beyond your reach, climb up the tree and rock it back and forth like a bear at Yellowstone National Park. This will surely cause a few things to fall, or at least tumble to a place where you can get at them.

Along with Steve and his female, I wish all creatures, (cats and otherwise), a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

QUASI'S "I WANT" CHRISTMAS LIST

Well, fellow cats, once again it’s that self-indulgent time of the year when I make out my list of what I want for Christmas. I’ve been a good cat this year (well… pretty good), so I hope Santa will come through big time.

Here’s my “I want” list for Christmas 2009:

• A new litter box (with a uniformed washroom attendant to keep it clean)
• One of those retro Felix the Cat clocks
• A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine
• An iPhone with Hello Kitty ringtones (Steve got one and its tres cool!)
• Enough catnip to keep me buzzed for a year
• A Taylor Swift CD (Yes, I still have a crush on her!)
• Opposable thumbs
• A generous gift certificate to Petco
• Socks and ties (just kidding!)
• A nice new cardboard box to explore and sleep in
• A new scratching post (that I can ignore while heading for the arm of the couch)
• Some intellectually-challenging cat toys
• The World Is Your Litter Box (hey, you just knew I had to sneak it in!)
• World Peace
• Food, food and MORE FOOD
  

NEW iPHONES FOR CHRISTMAS

This year, as a means of reducing their carbon footprint (and primarily because they’re cheap and lazy), Steve and his female have decided to forego the mind-numbing process of buying a multitude of Christmas presents for each other and instead, get new iPhones.

So over the weekend, while they went on the Apple website and watched videos about the iPhone and how to use it, I sat on the corner of the desk and tried to pick up a little info my own bad self. Now, I must admit, the iPhone seems to be very cool, but it also looks VERY confusing! Since Steve and the female are typically flummoxed by new technology, it will be lots of fun to watch them go completely bonkers as they try and figure out how to use these gadgets. Should be highly entertaining!

Because I secretly use Steve’s cell phone when he’s not around, I’m glad to see that the iPhone has a large keyboard, which will make texting much easier for me. After all, with no opposable thumbs, it’s pretty hard for us cats to text on a small keyboard. When Steve and the female get their iPhones, I should have no trouble mashing down on the keys when texting my kitty pals and telling them to meet me at the mall… or whatever.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes when Steve and the female get their new iPhones, which should be within a week or so. I can’t wait!