An Idea for a New Show on Animal Planet - For Cats

Every so often, Animal Planet comes up with a new show about how to deal with “problem” cats. First there was “Housecat House Calls,” and now it’s “My Cat from Hell.” Sounds great, you might be thinking, but from a cat’s perspective, these shows have it all wrong. Why? Because both of these shows start with the premise that something is wrong with the cat. At least Jackson Galaxy (oh, please), the host of “My Cat from Hell” gets it that cats march to the beat of their own drummer, but on both shows, most of the human cat owners want to bend their kitty to their will. Dummkopfs!

Let me give you an example. On one episode of “Housecat House Calls,” a family had an entire wall full of glittering, moving figurines and was upset because their cat kept knocking them over. Well, hello, nitwitskis, what did you expect? What cat wouldn’t be interested in a wall of glittering, moving figurines? And yet, this family considered their cat to be a “problem.” Personally, I would have loved to see that cat go wild and thrash every last one of those figurines. Now, THAT would have been some high-quality television!

So as a kitty who is always thinking, I have an idea for a new show that will be much more entertaining and amusing for us cats. It will be called “My Human from Hell,” and it will view “problem” humans from the cat’s perspective. The show will start with the fundamental premise that cats do whatever they want whenever they want and don’t want to be bothered, played with or smothered with affection unless they choose to be. To drive this point home, any human that doesn’t cater to their cat’s every want and whim will be scorned and blithely ignored.  And when a cat is being annoyed by a “problem” human, they will hiss and whap, and if the offense is bad enough, scratch, bite and draw blood. Yes, “My Human from Hell” will have it all – action, violence, bloodletting – just what America wants.  Hey, you never know… “My Human from Hell” could be even better than “True Blood” or “Dexter.”

So, fellow feline, do your part… call Animal Planet today and tell them you want – no, you DEMAND – that they add “My Human from Hell” to their slate of programs. Maybe I’ll even host it myself. Of course, if I do, I’ll need a cool name. Hmmm, let’s see… how about Quasi Solar System?

Cats & Vampires

These days, everyone seems to be going gaga over vampires. You’ve got the Twilight books and movies, which are phenomenally popular, and of course, there’s the HBO show True Blood, which Steve and his female never miss (actually, I watch it with them from my usual perch on the back of the couch behind their heads and I thoroughly enjoy it my own darn self).

But quite frankly, I don’t see why humans get so excited about vampires when they have us cats… and there are many, many similarities between cats and vampires. We both have evil-looking fangs, and we both can be very scary when we want to be (check out the kitty in the photo). We both can administer a fearsome bite and be extremely dangerous. We both like to prowl around at night and sleep during the day. We both have excellent night vision. And we both can get humans to do pretty much whatever we want.

And yet, while there are similarities, we cats have have a startling number of advantages over vampires. Here are some of them:

• Cats are MUCH, MUCH cuter than vampires
• Cats won’t drink your blood (we may scratch you and draw blood, but that’s as far as we go)
• Vampires will not sit on your lap while you read or watch TV
• Cats are impervious to garlic (a huge advantage for Italian families that like to cook)
• Cats will let you pick them up and cuddle them (try THAT with a vampire!)
• Vampires won’t let you rub their tummy like we cats will (well…for a couple seconds until we grab your arm anyway)
• Cats like exciting music such as rockabilly and emo, whereas vampires would rather listen to boring dirges from medieval times
• Cats will (grudgingly) let you dress them up in ridiculous clothing (don’t even THINK about trying THAT with a vampire!)
• Cats are photogenic… vampires, when their fangs are down, are pretty ugly
• Vampires DO NOT purr

So the next time your human starts gushing about how amazing vampires are, turn on the charm and let them know that cats make much better pets. After all, we have many vampire-like attributes with none of the disadvantages, the primary one being that a vampire might drink a human's blood and kill them, whereas we kitties… well, as long as our humans continue to love us and do our bidding would never do such a thing!