THE BACK-HOME-AGAIN DAMAGE REPORT

Steve and his female FINALLY arrived back home from their visit to Savannah GA and Charleston SC. Even though they were only gone six days, it felt like a lot longer. Of course, of those six days, I spent approximately 120 hours asleep, so mostly, I only missed them in my dreams. And, as usual, I was able to con my pet sitter into giving me an overabundance of kitty treats. Still, when humans leave cats alone, they MUST pay, and Steve and his female are no exception. Here’s the teach-them-a-lesson-for-leaving-me damage report:

• 45 minutes of serious kitty scorn (I tried for an hour, but I couldn’t hold out any longer)
• 1 unraveled and finely-shredded roll of toilet paper
• “Accident” outside litter box
• Demolition of the female’s favorite houseplant
• 1 kacked-up hairball on coffee table, with fallout spatter on the DVD remote
• All Tivo’d shows deleted and replaced with programming from Animal Planet
• Uber-shredding on the arm of the couch
• All books pushed out of the bookcase and onto the floor (except The World Is Your Litter Box)
• Overwhelming smell of cat throughout the house
• Cat hair on everything

And one final thing… Steve and the female said they only saw two kitties in Savannah and NONE in Charleston. I’m guessing that my fellow cats in the low country were sleeping off huge meals of kitty food and grits and were just too full and sated to go outside. Regardless, y’all, here’s a hearty shout out to every one of my kitty compadres in the South.

HOME ALONE 2009

For one week, Steve and his female are taking a vacation, which they seem to do every year about this time. This year, they’re going to Savannah, which is in some place called Georgia, and Charleston, which is in some place called South Carolina. Why they want to go to these two cities is a mystery to me, but I hear they’re both very beautiful and historic, and that they both have lots of opportunities to eat indulgent amounts of delicious Southern food (now THAT’S something I can relate to!).

Nice for Steve and the female, but not so swell for yours truly. For you see, fellow cat, for one week, I’ll be home alone and left in the care of my pet sitter, who comes over twice a day to feed me and cater to whatever whims I might feel at the time. Now, right about here, you’re probably thinking, “But Quaz, in The World Is Your Litter Box, you talked about all kinds of ways to take advantage of your pet sitter. That can't be so bad.” Yes, that’s true, and I plan to do just that. But still, there’s nothing like having your own humans around to suck up to you 24/7, and when they’re gone, I’m forced to WAIT for things like food and attention. Unacceptable human behavior if you ask me.

So, fellow cat, as I always do when Steve and the female leave me home alone, I will make them pay dearly (as only a cat can). I haven’t yet determined the level and scope of household damage I intend to inflict, but you can bet it will be – shall we say – noticeable. And, of course, when Steve and the female return, I’ll scorn both of them (for a little while, anyway) to teach a lesson they shan’t soon forget.

Anyway, I hope Steve and his female have a nice vacation in the South, but they better bring me back something nice. Perhaps some catnip-flavored grits or a replica of Fort Sumter that I can lie on and crush. Please, God, just don’t let them come back talking like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara!

THE END OF BASEBALL SEASON

Today, according to my human, Steve, is the saddest day of the year. For you see, today, the words “Final Standings” appear on the sports page of the newspaper. This means that the regular 2009 baseball season is officially over, and for Steve, this is a tragedy on the magnitude of the Great Plague. Put it this way… in addition to being a cat nut, Steve is a MAJOR baseball nut. Steve grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, and even though he lives in Southern California (home of the hated Dodgers), his favorite team has always been the SF Giants.

But forget Steve. What I’m sure you REALLY want to know, fellow cat, is how does the end of baseball season affect your ‘ole pal Quasi? Well, in our household, we have a very workable arrangement that allows Steve to watch zillions of baseball games without incurring the wrath of the female. Steve has MLB.TV, so he can watch all the Giants games on his computer in his home office (yes, I know… he SHOULD be helping me work on The World Is STILL Your Litter Box instead of frittering his time away watching humans running around on a baseball diamond). This leaves the TV (and the Netflix cue) free for the female so she can watch all the nauseating chick flicks and reality TV shows she wants. And when the female is happy, we’re ALL happy. Anyway, when Steve watches baseball games on the computer, he props his legs up on his desk, which creates the perfect lap space for yours truly. Yes, that’s right… hours of baseball watching translates into hours of high quality lap time and petting for ME!

During the Giants games, when one of the opposing players strikes out, Mike Krukow, one of the Giants announcers often says, “Grab some pine, meat.” For me, I’ll have to wait ‘til next spring for Steve to look at me, pat his lap and say “Grab some lap, meat.”

It’s going to be a long, cold winter.